MMP Episode 320: Slow is Fast
Tune into this week’s cathartic catchup - right off the heels of a therapy session, summer stress, parenting lessons, and big releases - as Laura and Jess talk life, reflect on the season, and share the real, raw, messy, and magic of motherhood. Slow is fast. Less is more. And we’re so glad you’re here.
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MMP Episode 320: Slow is Fast
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Laura: [00:00:00] Hey friends! Can't wait till Wednesdays to get your Modern Mamas fix? Join us on Patreon. You can choose your tier, and when you subscribe, you'll get bonus content, early access to Retreat, first peeks at new swag, plus shoutouts and even real time monthly virtual hangs with us. Visit
Jess: patreon. com forward slash modern mamas podcast to check it out and support the podcast.
It truly means the world to us. We are so grateful for you and for this community. I love my mama.
Laura: Hi friends. Welcome to the Modern Mamas Podcast. We are two modern mamas here to inspire, empowerment, self love, deep physical and spiritual nourishment, holistic health, open minds and joy, no matter your journey or perspective. I'm Laura of Radical Roots. I'm a certified CrossFit trainer, certified nutrition consultant and mama to Evie Wilder and Indie Bow.
I love outdoor adventure, good food, especially sourdough [00:01:00] and mindful
Jess: movement. And I'm Jess of Hold the Space Wellness. I am a level one CrossFit trainer, a licensed and certified athletic trainer with a master's in kinesiology, and mama to Bear and Camille. I love food, trying new things, creating art, and being a perpetual learner.
Please note that while we're here to provide advice and insights, we aren't medical practitioners, and always recommend that you check with a trusted provider before implementing any changes. Thanks for joining us. We're so happy you're here. Hello. Welcome. Hi friends. Welcome. It is another day. It's another episode.
It is... We're here, and honestly, it's kind of a miracle that we just, everything came together and we're here recording, but I'm happy to be here. It is... It's one of those things, it's like... It always feels like hard to get here to record, to like carve out this, this time because not only do we need the time we need like mostly uninterrupted time, [00:02:00] like as good a chance as we're going to get to be uninterrupted, you know, as you know, being home with kids during the summer, but we need to be mostly as present as we can.
We need, you know, it's like, it's a lot, it's a lot, but you know, once we get here, it's. It's always good. So we made it.
Laura: We made it. We did it. And I haven't shared publicly because the rest and I kind of just made a decision not to let the world know, not like the world follows me, but not let the world know when he's gone because it just feels better.
But I'm on day. Tuesday, Wednesday, what, like day 10 of what's going to be 16 days solo? He's fighting fires in eastern Washington. So I'm talking like we get a text or two a day and that's it for over two weeks. So I'm like, it's been, there's been some really good moments in a lot of learning and there have been some really intense emotional moments with all three of us.
Like just picture like me, like dishes all over the counters, food need me put away in the fridge [00:03:00] after dinner. All three of us on the ground, Evie in my lap, sobbing, Indie grabbing me saying, Hoju! Hoju! And me just like, doing everything in my power to just like, breathe. And that, you know, that, so like, that's just to give you a visual of like, that was a hard moment, but...
Through that hard moment, and I'm sure I'll get more into this, like, learned a lot about just feelings and holding space and my capacity and that I can do hard things, and then also we've had like some just really incredible moments while he's been gone, so, and I've learned, have I said I've learned a lot?
I've really, the, one of the biggest silver linings is. Better compartmentalization of like work and momming and spending less time on social media has been really great and only working on CrossFit stuff when I am Working on CrossFit stuff like not having it constantly on my brain and everything is still getting done And I feel like I'm a broken record because I know I've said this before but sometimes it just takes like being deep in it to really [00:04:00] like solidify that stuff, so Yeah, that's like a, me just jumping in.
It's nice to talk to a grown up.
Jess: No, I mean, I love that. And I love, you know, I feel like this may sound cliche or trite or like even like minimalizing like challenges because like, You know, hard things are hard and I like never want to take away from that, but at the same time, maybe this is just my seven coming out.
My seven, I don't have a seven wing, but my, my wannabe seven wing coming out. But like the silver lining is like, you know, when you are, Asked as a mom or a partner, a friend or whatever to kind of go beyond what you feel like your capacity is, you know, you're stretched and you're asked to do more than you think you can.
You, I feel like what happens is things that are unessential that you felt maybe were essential or very [00:05:00] like maybe that were. Felt very like pressing and, and like, I have to do this and I have to be thinking about this, you know, those things, it really kind of like reveals to you, like what actually is essential, like you're getting your work done, but that doesn't require you to think about it 24 seven, where in the past it might've felt like I'm getting my work done, but I also need to be thinking about this and like, I don't know, like when you have limited capacity, only the things that are truly important get to.
Yeah. Get attention. Do you know what I mean? Does that make any sense? It's
Laura: in some ways it's freeing. Like in the first, I'm not going to lie, like the going into the first couple of days, I was already feeling pretty toxic, just like tired. And then we, you know, it's like, we can expect he's going to be gone, but we can't plan for it.
And it kind of caught me off guard. And like the first few days I felt like. Suffocated by it. By the logistical load and like planning and making sure I had help and all these things and like looking, okay, what have I scheduled? Can I still make those things happen? But [00:06:00] then as the days have ticked by, it's actually it went from feeling suffocating to like freeing in many ways.
You know, and perspective shifting and that like for CrossFit I was, I know I've shared here like I was kind of like, am I going to get some sort of permanent offer? Part time full time or just like an extended contract and it turned into an extended contract for the same thing I've been doing for what will be two years in October, which blows my mind and it was such a relief And I don't I didn't know that that would have been such a relief but because of the circumstances It's like if I had been my dog is shifting on her new bed It's kind of noisy if I had been given a full time offer like I don't know what I would have done.
I probably would have, I would have stepped up to the challenge, but at what expense, you know? And so, and Rusty's loving his work and that's been framed for me to have him gone this whole time and like, the few texts I get a day, he's enjoying it, he's leading his team, he's thriving. It's like, I feel like we're being pushed into our natural roles of where, I think we've been trying to kind of land.
As [00:07:00] a, as a partnership and as a parents and where he is like doing work that fills his cup and pushes him hard physically and that kind of thing. And I am able to still do work that fills my cup and that I love but also prioritize just being with the girls. And I will tell you, those of you who have been listening for a couple years, I did, we did the Wildland Fire Wife thing two summers ago.
I was pregnant. Evie was four. Cakewalk compared to this. Now I have, I didn't have the work with CrossFit then. And like an 18 month old. Who doesn't, literally doesn't stop moving. I mean, it is, it is a lot. It's a lot. And, you know, the dynamic between the two of them, and making sure, and now that Evie is six, I also have to really tamper myself and make sure that my expectations are fair.
And that I'm not, like, counting on her to, to help in ways that are, I think as a family unit, it's important that we all rely on each other to help in certain ways, right? But also, There's a, there's a limit to that and [00:08:00] she is only six and she needs me and she needs me emotionally, physically. Sometimes she needs me to help her get dressed and it's not that she's not capable of getting dressed by herself.
She needs that time. And so this, again, the freedom there is that I've, she and I have really come to a place where like two months ago, I'd be like, come on, you'd be like, just. Like we need to get out the door and I'm like, she's asking me to help her get dressed. It's not about getting dressed. And so certain things that used to kind of be like, come on now, I'm like, it's just a click for me.
Like, okay. She's needing me in a certain way in this moment. And of course I'm human. Sometimes I'm still like, come on inside. But I'm, I definitely feel like I am better able now to, it's, which is interesting, feels ironic. That like, in the time when I actually have the least capacity, maybe it's not that I have less capacity right now, it's maybe it's that I, my priorities have just shifted.
And I was telling you before we hopped on that I had therapy yesterday and it was, it was monumental. It was like everything I needed. And the big mantra that we walked away with is, less is more. And so for instance, I've really learned that [00:09:00] if I don't intentionally and actively hold space, like, periodically throughout the day for,
If you just sit down and like read a book at nap time. Even though I have a holistic work. And that's usually in a normal week. That's when I would be working. If I can pause for at least 30 minutes and just sit on the couch with her and read a book then dinnertime transitioning to bedtime and all of that is like so much more flowy.
And so less, right? Maybe a little bit less time working in the middle of the day. It gives me more space and more time and more just like flow in the evening when we all need it most because my I love sitting down to dinner with the family and right now that's just the three of us, but if, if she hasn't had a chance to emote all day, she's been going nonstop without a doubt, she is going to cry at the dinner table, you know, and so it's like, if I want, if I have desires for [00:10:00] that dinner time to be enjoyable, then I have to do a little bit less work during the day, spend a little bit more time with her, which is actually been really great.
Talk about a nervous system hug, sitting down to read with my kid in the middle of the day, you know, and then dinnertime is so much better. And that transition to bedtime is better. And then Evie is more excited to play with Indy in the bathtub. And I can have my like evening ritual of sweeping the floors and sipping tea while they're in the bath.
So it's just like. Just recognizing earlier in the day that a little bit less like frenetic energy early can lead to more joy and whatnot later in the day and it's just a constant learning lesson and I'm not perfect and there will be times when I fall very hard back into old patterns. But right now, with therapy fresh under my belt yesterday fey erythrocytes, CBD, I'm like, I'm in a good head space this morning, and that feels freeing in and of itself.
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Jess: Well, I, I mean, I know it's hard. I, I know it's really, really [00:12:00] hard. I, I just, I empathize. So much. I had never been in the exact situation, but I mean, solo parenting, I mean, being the person that your kids rely on for literally everything, whether it's a few days or like forever, it is, it's.
It's taxing, and it like, it challenges people to like, step up in big ways. And of course, of course you're not going to get it right 24 7, because that's impossible, and you're human too, and you have needs, and you have limits, but you're doing a really good job, friend. I know you are. That
Laura: means a lot. And I, you know, I had a moment with the therapist yesterday where I was like, listen, there are times, and like, I was kind of holding on to the skill, like there are times when I'm moaning really hard, and I am holding her physically.
But in full transparency, I am not there emotionally, and I'm just like, I am there and I am holding her, but like, I feel it takes me, it'll take me a little bit of time, I'm like glazed over, like my eye, I'm just, I'm not fully there, and I [00:13:00] had this like, almost guilt about it, and she's like, listen, you are You are doing everything she needs in that moment.
You are taxed, you are spent, you are at your limit, and you are still just holding her. And that's, she just needs your physical touch. And then I found that, like, in holding her and taking that time, I get there. Like, I, I'm able to come down, but like, sometimes it takes a little bit, you know? And I don't know if anyone else who has two kids that are maybe a bigger age gap finds it sometimes a little bit harder to, like, hold that space for a bigger kid.
And I think it's just, like, Reorganizing or re, like, reassessing and rebalancing the expectations. Again, I'm like, yes, she's six, but she has, she's gonna have feelings to emote for the rest of her life. And maybe I didn't get those feelings, like, held at that age, because I can guarantee you, and I know this is, I think back to, like, my own childhood, and my parents, they were great, et cetera, et cetera.
I don't, I don't need to justify it or anything, but, like, I know that as I got older, there was significantly, it's a lot easier to hold a crying [00:14:00] baby. And even I watch my mom now, and she's like, shh, shh, with my girls, you know? And that's learned, that's, it's not a judgment, it's not, I'm not upset. But I know that I can kind of break that cycle, and so just because she's getting older doesn't mean...
Even though that's what I've learned intuitively, or that's what I've been taught as like growing up in my own space of like, as you get older, you just deal with your own shit. I don't have to continue that cycle for her, but it's going to take like re patterning my brain, and I know that. So, just consistently a work in progress, but again, like if we weren't set in this life scenario right now, I wouldn't be like pushed into, you know, learning and embracing these things however hard some days.
That are really going to be important in navigating life as a mom as my kids get older, which I know it's cool because you're in that next season. Like you have these older kids, double digits, my God. So yeah, it's just, it's a lot, but it's good. It's, it is good. And there, you know, and I've also just been like canceling a lot of plans [00:15:00] last summer.
I could have done something like every day I could have been social every single day, but I've been canceling a lot of plans. I've been talking to some friends about how, like right now, what I want is just. If I'm gonna not have my girls with me and like be paying a sitter for instance to like do something social I just want it to be one on one with a friend that I can just like sit and be with and maybe not talk you know and then if I'm gonna be social in a group I would rather have the girls there because it's First of all, they're not like paying out the butt, you know, for help.
And it's like, they're kind of a, a buffer when I need it, when I'm feeling, I'm feeling very overstimulated. And so in a moment, they're like my safety net, you know, and I can rely on them in that way, like they do for me, where it's like, I'm feeling overstimulated. I don't even need an excuse. I can step away with my girl.
What one of them and like, and just be with them for a moment and no one's going to bat an eye and it's never going to come across rude or whatever. But sometimes I just need in this season, like I just need space. And I've already been dreaming about, there's this really cool hotel in Port Townsend. [00:16:00] And I've been talking to them for like over a year about doing some sort of a trade for sharing, you know, to stay, but they have a two person max.
And Russ and I haven't had a night away yet since Indy was born, I haven't spent the night away from her. And so, I'm like, okay, when he's done with fire season, we have a plan to go to Victoria together for a night. My sister's gonna come up and spend the night with the girls. But before we do that, I think I'm gonna do like 24 hours alone.
I wanna, like, get Indy down for a nap, and then drive to Port Townsend, it's about an hour. And have, there's this place called the Bishop Bottle Shop, and have, like, the best, like, biodynamic, delicious wines. Meet my friend for a glass of wine. And then, like, go to my favorite restaurant, have a nice dinner.
And then it's all walkable. Walk to the hotel, read a book, go to bed early, wake up, walk along the beach, go to my favorite coffee shop, hike in the fort, and then like be home for a nap. And I just feel like that will fill my cup in ways that I desperately need. It's just like alone time. You know, right now, any alone time I'm getting, I'm working because I'm paying a sitter and I have to get stuff done, or I'm working out, which is [00:17:00] cup filling, but also like I just want to sit and be, so.
I'm trying to work in, in those like work sessions, especially if I get an afternoon session, I'll like grab some chocolate, you know, and like go get a cup of tea. And I will take at least like five, 10 minutes and just like sit in silence and like enjoy that. And I really am trying to like prioritize like lunchtime, sitting in the sun and eating.
So working it in where I can, but. Also, sometimes I don't even get a shower, you know, without someone pulling the curtains and so it's I wouldn't change a thing and I was laughing to myself actually I'm having a lot of internal conversations because sometimes I just don't have a grown up around to like say these things aloud to and I I miss Rusty terribly for that like I just I really want my person home.
But you know, like he is like on cue, like she has to go to the bathroom at dinner, like I'd say five nights out of the week and not just be. And so it's like, you know, I'm, I laugh cause I'm like, am I going to have a dinner? Like I'm interrupted by like a butt wipe, you know, but [00:18:00] I also know that. In the grand scheme of it, I'm gonna miss it.
You know? I'm gonna miss it, and I'm gonna miss the way that Indy, like, yells for milk in the most intense, adorable way. Not mad, just like, she does everything intensely. So even when she asks for milk, it's like, Baaaaaack! You know? And when she asks for water, she goes, Baaaaaack! Like, it's just, she's just intense.
She's got so much energy. So, all these little things that sometimes I'm like, Oh, oversimulated. Oh my god. Like, I'm in mid bite, like, I'm all done going poop. It's like, okay, I'm gonna miss it someday. You know, even in the moments when I'm just like, oh my gosh, can, can everyone just like, let's play the quiet game, you know, we're not there yet.
So yeah. And then we have a very full August ahead. So it's, it's Rusty gets home. We have a week, you know, and he's got two forced days off and then we're going, I'm super excited. We're going camping. with my friend Emily. She's been on the podcast a couple of times, Emily Wiggins and her family on Lopez Island, which is the San Juan Islands.
They're like world renowned as a place to go. You can like [00:19:00] get to see orcas. I mean, it's just incredible. And we're camping for five nights, maybe four. I'm not going to feel out my capacity cause I'll be solo, but I have them and they're like family and the girls, you know, it's, I think it'll be really wonderful.
But then we get home and kind of. Last minute, there's now a party for my sister who had finally had her four year, four years later, like wedding celebration in Germany last weekend, which that also brought a lot of emotion because I couldn't be there. And I don't regret it because it's not the season.
And I just like, we couldn't have made it work without. Sacrifice that we're just not willing to make for our, our family unit, you know, but it was hard seeing my whole family there. So anyways, my aunt is throwing her a party in Santa Barbara. So I'll get home from that trip and turn around like four days later, the camping trip, and fly to California.
Where I'll get time with my friend Nicole and Taz and then, you know, time with family, celebrating my sister. Like I just can't wait to sit down with her and be like, how, how was it, you know? And then we get home and then like three days later we're driving down to Bend. For camping and time again with Emily and her family [00:20:00] and then we'll get back and then it's like Labor Day weekend and then Evie starts Montessori.
So, yeah, it's just, August is very, very full. But it, but I really intentionally made it so I had at least like four days between each thing. And I've already talked to my boss, like CrossFit Games will be over, things should be slowing down. I plan to really, like, take some, when we're camping this next trip, so we leave on the 7th of August, I'm gonna be like, Offline, I'm gonna be off social media for a few days.
I'm gonna be off cross at work for a few days Like fully just I want to just be off and then I can get back and maybe like Recap if I feel like it or not feeling less called to be in that space like sharing the like day to day stuff I'm having fun creating content and like talking about the things that I love and the things that we're using and that kind of thing but less of the like this is the space where I feel like I want to share the Day to day and the nuance and the raw and the real and all of that.
So That is I think the what's going on here. I another lesson I have learned is like I've done a lot of one off One night [00:21:00] camping trips, which was super easy when we had the van first of all because everything was in there It was like let's just grab and go and it was super easy Even it would it be way easier even if I just had Evie But it is a lot of work to set up camp and tear down camp and pack everything and load it It's worth it, but I also feel like next summer instead of doing like I have a single night camping Like every other week at least this summer and so a single or more next summer.
I want to just prioritize like three Perhaps maybe four Multi night, so if I'm setting up camp It's up for a couple days versus like set up take down because we just like camping on Sunday And it was so fun We were on the beach on Bainbridge met up with a friend got sourdough pizza simplified in that way, you know camped overnight Did the s'mores, all the things, and like the next morning it was cloudy, and I was like, got everything like torn down and loaded and back in the car by like 8 30 a.
m. And that was just, that was a lot of work, where we could have, we didn't even, and when we camp we don't go to bed till like 10, because it's so light out. [00:22:00] Like I literally could have just like done everything we did. And not set up camp and just like gone home. It's an hour and a half drive. So just like, but Evie was adamant, because I even asked her, I'm like, hey, do you want to sleep at home tonight?
And she's like, no, I want to camp. So we did. And it was great, but I also learned Rusty gets a pro deal for his wildland fire. For like, camping gear. So I was like, I need you to pick out a just a really comfortable higher quality Air mattress, like camping mattress. Because ours is great for a night, maybe two.
It's everything we need. You know, it's just blow up, but we got one. And it fits in our case, it's on the top of the rig. But he's like, I'm like, for a five night trip and in the future, I just need something like, a little bit more. Comfortable. So I can, cause that's, that's my biggest thing is like, as long as I'm comfortable, I could camp nights and nights and nights on end.
So lessons learned and I'm having, we're having a lot of fun and we're slowing down and we're really just, yeah. Canceling plans where needed, friends totally get it. And that is the [00:23:00] latest here, I think. Oh my
Jess: gosh. It's a lot. But I love hearing about it. I feel like, I feel like we're also, you know, and it's understandable, like, we're kind of like two ships passing in the night as well, like, in terms of like, the time we get to like, chat about.
Day to day. It's like, so it's just, it's nice to like, kind of just get, I don't know, just get, get caught up. I'm sure everyone else is feeling the same way. Just get caught up with, with how life has been. And I know it's hard. I know it's, but it's, it's like so interesting. Cause it's like, this is what, not saying like, this is what you wanted in that way.
But like, this is, these are, this is like what you had hoped for, like Rusty and for your family, like that, you know, and it's here and you're like, Doing it, you know, like, I don't know, that's also again, silver lining seven coming out in me, but like, this is, this is like the things that you hoped for.
Laura: Totally. Thank you for that. It's not lost on me. Like I am so [00:24:00] grateful even in the days they're like really hard. I'm like, this is what we want. And we'll see what comes out on the other side, some financial stability, like, especially given the spring we had and how scary and rocky it was both like physically for Rusty and also financially for us.
It's like he's found something and, and like two weeks away fighting wildfires, that is, that's financially, it's a good thing. There's hazard pay, there's overtime, you know, there's base salary, there's all of that. So, and there's potential opportunity for this to turn into a year round permanent gig for him or a permanent seasonal in which he could collect unemployment in the three months he wouldn't be working.
So, you know, I'm throwing that all out there manifesting that something comes of it. There's still a lot of uncertainty, but overall, like. We're definitely in a, in a better place in that regard, which it's been a long time since we just felt some like, you know, stability there. So
Jess: I'm, I am happy for you.
And also. Also recognize that it's, even though it's good, it [00:25:00] can still be challenging. Cause we talk about that all the time. Like it's, but it can be both.
Laura: It can, and often will be. Gratitude and also it's hard and also I'm learning and also sometimes I don't want to be learning. I just want to. Curl up in my bed and read my book for six hours.
No, I don't. I could never sit still that long, but I wonder where Indy gets it.
Jess: Oh, I was gonna say, that sounds more like something that Jess would do. It's a very 90
Laura: thing, not a, not a 70, but that's okay. I am learning to slow down. It rained the, you know, the day when we packed, when I packed up camp early and we just came, I had a plan to like spend the day in Bainbridge, but.
It was raining. I'm like, let's just go home. We picked up coffee and pastries on the way home and Evie had a chocolate croissant in the backseat. And, and that rainy day was the day that we were like on the floor crying or she, you know, all the feelings. And after Evie emoted in my lap on the kitchen floor for like 15 minutes, I was like, okay, listen, I hear you.
I know you need this space. You just want to be held. There's food on the counter. That's literally going to [00:26:00] go bad if I don't get into the fridge. And so like, I snuggled her and moved her to the couch. Went and cleaned up the kitchen, came back into the living room, she was 6'15, out, like, out on the couch.
And so I think that day, like, with the rain, I talked to my therapist about this too, just like the, we've had so little rain here, which is wild for us, like, we live near the rainforest, we were the driest county in the country. Can wait for a little bit of a little bit of time here So anyway, so I think just the shift from like the summer energy of like go go go go go And I don't know if anyone else is feeling that to like having this kind of unexpected day of just like Downpour and it was like cold.
It felt like fall I think it also creates space for the slowdown which made space for the feelings for all of us And so anyways, I think we needed it. So and I love the rain, but Um, it also made me slow down. We had plans to go to music in the park on Tuesday. It canceled because I was like, I just don't want to get like sloppy wet and we're all tired.
So now tomorrow on Friday, my friend Mariah, who I haven't seen in months, because they spend the first part of summer in Chicago. They, she's got two girls, my [00:27:00] daughter's ages. We're going to go to Port Townsend and there's this new sourdough. pop up there for pizza. So we're going to get pizza and listen.
There's the, the winery does live music all summer. So I get a little redemption for missing Tuesday. We're going to listen to music and eat pizza. And again, it's just like a one on one it's just me and her and our girls. And I'm just really looking forward to that.
Jess: So that sounds delightful. Delightful.
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Now, let's dive back into our episode.
Laura: And what are you, what is the latest? What's going on with
Jess: you? Oh, man. I feel like I am, uh, I don't even know. I, I am in a bit of a, like, bears outside on the front porch singing. Sorry. I don't know if you can hear it, but it's definitely distracting me. I thought that was Fiona.
They're just like, he is just so I don't, I don't know what the word, like, I hate putting like these Descriptions on my kids, but he's just like so easy a lot of the times like he's just he [00:30:00] wakes up happy He like literally wakes up singing He is just like a little joy I mean, most of the time. I mean, they both are, don't get me wrong.
But like, you know, he's just like, and he's got like an easygoing disposition. And he just cracks me up. So anyways, he's getting prepared for soccer camp. I can see him putting his shin guards up on out there right now. So anyways, I feel like I am kind of in a Somewhat of a reversal of where you are, I am working a lot.
So Tim is, we both have our own businesses. Tim is a, basically like he works on projects. And so he is in the, like the tech world, design world. He's a user experience designer and Most of the time, like, he is really, really busy on projects, which is great. And right now, it has been like a pretty extended period of time where [00:31:00] he has not had a project.
And it's just like so wild because he is so... So good at what he does. And it's, it's just bananas. Like he has been like applying for different like positions and projects and, you know, full time part time, you know, all of the different things. And it's just like kind of discouraging. Cause it's like literally hundreds or thousands of people will be applying for the same job.
And it's like. You know, it's like, I obviously think he's incredible at what he does and he's, he is, but like, it's just that whole job application process is just daunting and like pitching projects and, you know, securing like all of that. And so it has been, it's been a while, it's been gosh, since March, maybe that he's been on a project.
And so we're kind of like in this place where we haven't been in a while. Where like, I am feeling a lot of internalized, like, no one's putting this [00:32:00] pressure on me and we're fine, but like a lot of pressure to work and work constantly and work hard, like really hard. And while like, I fully believe that, like in our partnership, in our marriage, like there's always been seasons where like.
You know, there's just ups and downs with like each of our work. And like, sometimes one of us is like holding it down while the other one is like building something and vice versa. Like, you know, there's, there's times there's moments where like, we do that for each other and our family unit. And right now.
Like it, it, it feels like it's just like an extended period of me holding it down and I'm doing it and I'm, you know, creating space and trying to care for myself like in the process and knowing that this is like kind of what has to happen and what needs to happen, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't like feeling Moments of like extreme, [00:33:00] like just, I don't know, like burnout or just, or I get so anxious where I'm like, I can't even like relax, kind of like what you were talking about where like I'm either working or I'm thinking about work or I'm thinking about getting work or I'm thinking about like what I can do.
To get more work and it's just, it's kind of exhausting mentally. But the positive thing is that like those needs are being met through my work. So that's like a really beautiful part is that like in our moments, you know, I feel like God has provided a pathway forward for me to grow this, like, talent that I have of food photography and.
It's just been really, like, beautiful to watch unfold. And so, I've been doing a lot of food photography. And the thing with that is, while it's beautiful and wonderful, it's creative, it's not a [00:34:00] like, oh, I have five minutes. I can work on this type of job. Like it's not like I'm going to work for a couple hours and then I'm going to sign off.
Like I have to plan, I have to grocery shop, I have to make sure I have all the props that I need. I have to make sure that I have like, Hours of time set aside to do this because, you know, not only does it just naturally require a lot of like time and effort it because we're in our like tiny house and I don't have like a, a studio space and I, it's like a lot of equipment, like it's constant, like set up and tear down of all of that.
It is like a production. It is like a serious production. And so it's just not a like, Ooh, I can do this on the fly type of thing. And so that's been a little hard because, you know, you have deadlines and you have clients who need things by a certain time. And it's like, Ooh, just, and I need Tim. And that's another like [00:35:00] beautiful thing is that like Tim has been available to help me like in the kitchen, because as I'm I feel like before I was doing this all solo, my skill level was like just in a whole different place.
Like just the quality of what I was doing was like a lot different. And now that like I Really have like high expectations, I guess, for myself and like what I'm able to do. Being able to cook and shoot at the same time is really challenging. And so Tim's been able to like be my kind of like sous chef.
And you know, that's a whole nother thing. Cause we have to have like a little meeting and like, this is what we're going to do. And this is what I'm looking for. And this is what, like, I need you to bring the food over like at this point so I can photograph it. So I don't, I don't know what I'm trying to say is.
We've had a lot going on, and I feel like I am like barely, like, keeping it together in terms of, like, my energy level. And at the same time, [00:36:00] I was thinking about this today, I'm feeling a lot of... I don't want to say regret, because I don't regret, like, I have, I have to work. We have to provide for our family.
I've got to pay bills. Like, there's a lot, like, there. But this summer has definitely not unfolded as I had, like, hoped. And the kids are fine. Everyone's doing fine. Like, they're still, we're still doing things, like, having fun. But it's been a lot less of the fun. That I had like hoped for, if that makes sense.
So like we haven't, usually we go to Moe Ranch and we camp, which is this place by the river. And we didn't get, we're not going to be able to do that this summer. And this, this weekend, we're actually leaving this afternoon for a little bit of an impromptu. I want, I, I'm, I'm doing air quotes trip vacation.
Really, we're going down there because Tim needs to go help his dad. And step mom move and pack up their house [00:37:00] and drive to South, South Texas, even further South Texas, like the border. And we've decided we would come along. We're going to stay at his brother and my sister in law's house and try in between like the packing and stuff to maybe go to the beach, just have a little bit of like a fun time.
The kids are super excited, but you know, it's just like, it's a different. Summer than we've had in the past, you know, just being mindful of budget and just not having the time to really do a lot of, I don't want to say like we haven't been doing fun things because that's not true, but just not a lot of like intentionally planned things that require travel money.
And so I, I'm, I'm feeling, I'm feeling a little bit bummed if I'm totally honest, like it just was like the last couple of days just been like a realization of like, okay, the kids are going back on, I think it's the 12th, August 12th. And that's like right around the corner [00:38:00] and that's it. And then there we're going to be like back in the swing of school stuff.
And while that will be a blessing for like workflow stuff. It's just got me really like reflecting on just time with my family. And I like, I'm probably going to get a little bit teary eyed. I just feel like the summer has just like flown by and not a good way. And like, they're just changing so much. And I feel like I have missed a lot over the last like couple months with just like having tunnel vision.
And, you know, even I haven't even talked about this out loud, but I was thinking about it last night. Just like wanting it is, it's a lot of like, okay, I wake up and then I'm like, what can I get done today? And my kids are like, here, they're watching so much television, so much screen time. And there's a lot of guilt around that.
And I'm like, well, what am I getting? What am I supposed to do? You know, like, what's the [00:39:00] alternative here? Like I have to do these things right now in this season. And I feel like I don't have much of a choice and. You know, they're getting to like go to the pool and stuff with, with Tim and like do, you know, they're getting to do things, but like, I'm not there.
And it's a lot of like the, you know, even, even when I get done with work, Tim's like, do you want to go to the pool with us? And I'm like, no, like, I just need. Like a moment, like I need a moment of alone time. Like, I do not want to go to the pool around a bunch of people and like noise. Start planning your hotel.
I know. And then I'm like, but then I'm like, but I should be spending time with my family. Cause I, as much as I don't get a much, as much as I don't get alone time, I also don't get what I feel like is quality time with them. And so I don't know. I don't, I don't know. Just feeling. [00:40:00] I think the, the accurate word is just a bit overwhelmed right now.
Laura: Overstimulated too. I imagine. It's like, I just keep coming back to that, like I'm so overstimulated and it, 'cause it's, it feels, it feels bigger than overwhelm and I don't know if overstimulated is, I feel like maybe that's less big or less, it's more specific, but it just, it feels stimulated by like needs, everyone's needs and, but it sounds like yours is more focused on like the.
The work and the need for income, and that's heavy, that's heavy, in ways that it's hard to put into words because it's just, it's just money, you'll be fine, you've always been fine, but the immense weight of that is something that really you can't like talk, you can't, you can't like, I don't know, you can't talk yourself out of it.
Because what's the alternative of not having money? Like, that's, that's a very scary place to be. Yes,
Jess: exactly. And it's like, I don't know, like, I, I have to talk myself into trusting a lot. [00:41:00] Like, trusting that we'll be provided for, but at the same time, it's like this delicate balance of like, yes, I trust that we'll be provided for, and we are, and I'm getting all this, getting the work to provide, but at the same time, it's like, I am like, it's just a lot of pressure and mostly like that I'm putting on myself because like, yeah, the alternative is like, okay, if I don't take this job and I don't find a way to make this work, then what, what's going to happen?
It's like that unknown. And it's just, you know, I I'm reflecting that in moments like these, where money is like, our income is going towards. Our basic needs and there's not a whole lot of room for like fun. It is, you know, I don't know. And maybe this is just like first world problem or sounds like I'm just complaining about.
I don't know. I, I just, I hesitate to share it because it's like, I don't want to sound like, oh, but we [00:42:00] don't get to take vacation, you know, like we don't get to do anything fun, but our needs are met. And that's, um, that's what's most important, but at the
Laura: same time. No, but, but the fun, I know I'm an Enneagram 7, but for me, it feels like a non negotiable, like the fun and the joy and the bliss, the core memory building as a family.
In some way, obviously it's not as important on like a physical level as food, but there is, it is an, it's an essential. And I, I'm not saying that because you're not offering that, because I know that you are, the kids are getting it, they've had camps, they've had fun, but like, you're not necessarily getting it.
You know, and that's, that's, like, I want to, how can I change that? And my therapist would be like, you don't have to fix everything. Give her space. Just, just listen.
Jess: Well, and that's, I mean, yes, that's so important. And it just, it feels stifling almost, like there's no room to dream when you're in this like survival mode.
And that's where, what I feel like is missing. It's like, it's not even that, like, I have to like actually go. on [00:43:00] vacation. It's like the ability to be like, Ooh, like maybe we could go in a couple months. Like, what can we do? Or like, there's no, there's nothing on the horizon in terms of like anticipatory fun.
And that's like half, half the excitement is like planning something, you know? And so it's just like, there's no room for that right now. Oh my gosh, that's what I
Laura: catch myself doing. I have to, like, stop myself because when I'm in a place of, like, deep stress, I'm like, I just start planning trips.
And then I end up canceling a bunch of stuff because I overplanned because that's my coping mechanism, so I feel that to my bones. Like, could you be planning, I mean, fall in Texas is, like, the best. Could you be planning something? That doesn't involve, like, caring for a parent.
Jess: Yeah, that's the hard part.
It's like, it's almost like, because our income is so, like, set, and it's like, it's like, I don't even want to, I don't know. It's like, it's also, it's like, so sad. [00:44:00] And this is like, I, no, it's not sad. It's, it's sad for me because I'm like, I'm going to turn 40. And people are like, what are you going to do? And I'm like, I don't have any plans right now.
Because I can't. Like, I literally can't. Like, there are things we've talked about. Like, if this happens, then we'll try and do something. But it's like, I don't know. It just feels selfish at this point, at this point, to just be like, I want to do something fun to like, celebrate this big milestone. And like, it's just not realistic.
Gosh, I don't even know why I'm getting emotional about this. Like, it's not a big deal. Yes, it is. But it feels like a big deal. It's a big deal. Yeah. So anyways, I just, I feel dumb. I feel dumb getting sad about it. Cause it's like. I don't know what,
Laura: you know what the least selfish thing about this is, is that like what you want for your 40th birthday is to be with your family.
It's not like you're like, I want to take an elaborate trip by myself and eat all the things and you just want [00:45:00] time with your family. And so if like that, like, no, you know, my brain would be like, no, don't buy me anything. I don't want any gifts. I just want us to go and do this thing just us for this many days or whatever.
And I feel like, I don't know if there's a way. Like, how can we make it into like a podcast work thing, but then like you bring them and I'm only there for bits and the podcast can take
Jess: Oh man, I love that you're trying to problem solve.
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Jess: I have full faith that's something I will get to celebrate. In some way, shape, or form, it's just, it feels, I think I'm just, like, the, the tears and the emotion come out, and the, like, the woe is me come out when I just feel like I'm at my, like, the end of my rope, but I know, just based off experience and who I am, like, this doesn't last for long, like, I'll, will be okay, there, you know, and I, at, Through all of it, like, I fully expect, [00:48:00] like, you know, a job to be provided for Tim, like, tomorrow.
Like, I really do. Like, he's, he's that good at what he does and he's so actively, you know, involved in, like, job searching and, and all this stuff. And there's things, like, in the pipeline, it's just the waiting is so hard. It's so hard. So, anyways, that's where I am. And, you know, it's, it's, Like I said, I'm trying to I read this thing the other day by one of my favorite like online people and she said this line.
She was like, I expected to be delighted. And so I was, and it was just that one sentence. And I was like, Oh. Like, I haven't been looking for that at all. I've been expecting to be stressed and anxious, and expecting for things to be hard, and expecting, like, to feel this way, and, and so I am feeling that way.
And I feel like it's this one thing, it's not like ignoring, it's not trying to minimize my feelings, but like, [00:49:00] It's kind of changing my mindset from an expectation, like to an expectation of delight, like I can still have moments of delight and fun and joy with my kids in these next two weeks that will feel special and important.
And I can do that, like I can choose that. And so I'm going to try, like I'm just going to try my best. And like this. Weekend when we're traveling. I'm gonna try my best to just be there and be present and unplugged and enjoy the moment And that's really hard for me. Sometimes, you know, just like because I'm thinking about what's gonna come next Like what do I need to do?
And uh, so that's that's all of it And through all of that we celebrated Kami's seventh birthday and it's wild and I just love her so So, so much like she is I was like reflecting on it and like I don't want it to sound like she's not easy She is so delightfully easy in so many ways, but she's Different than her brother [00:50:00] and she has taught me They both taught me immensely, like, things, like, they're mirrors of myself, essentially, like, reflecting back on, on me.
Things that I love about myself, things that I need to work on, things that I wish I had in myself. Like, with Cammie, it's always things that I admire and wish that I could cultivate in myself because she is such a strong personality. She's so sure in what she needs and what she wants. And she is... Very communicative in those needs and it's like those things I'm like, okay Yeah, I need to channel my like inner cammy a lot more than I do But she is like also, you know she wanted a small party and she wanted like it to be intimate and she only wanted a handful of people and She just likes to be With us and probably one or two other people and I just love that about her.
I love that she is that sure of what she wants and her energy and she's also that like [00:51:00] kind of canary in the coal mine situation where when things are overwhelming and she feels overwhelmed and it's too much and we've got too much going on. She's the first one who's going to like kind of have a meltdown and be like.
I need you right now. Like I need you to stop. I need you to like, look at me. I need you to hold me and she'll be the one that he'll be like, I don't know why I'm crying. I get it. I really get it. I don't know why I cry sometimes too, but it's usually like her and EBR. Yeah, I see a lot of, like, similarities when you talk about, you'd be like, they're very creative and artistic and like
Laura: empathetic.
She just spent hours, like she just woke up and came out of the bedroom and I was like, you need to go back in there. Like she built this elaborate house out of cardboard yesterday and she's like, well, I need to draw a fire to put on the wall. Like she has these ideas and she'll come out of her bedroom and just like hyper focused on this creation that she has to get out of her brain.
It's wild. Oh
Jess: yeah. Her. And I mean, I feel like. Her and or Evie and Cammie would [00:52:00] probably get along fabulously
Laura: and probably Bear and Indy Yeah,
Jess: I feel like they're very similar to it's so fun. It's so fun. I I love it And yeah, Cammie's just what was I gonna say? She's the one who's like Is it time to turn off screens?
I think I've mentioned I either mentioned this on a Patreon call or somewhere else, but I'll be like, no, you have like five more minutes and she's like, I'm gonna turn it off now and she'll like go I mean, she'll spend hours doing Legos now like she's gotten really into Legos for Ann Bear and just a lot of like I hear like creative play between them two and she'll be like, I want Bear to stop playing his video game cause I want She wants to play with them and they they get along so well for the most part as long as they're nice.
He allows her to direct the play. That's the thing. Like, I think her and Evie are very similar in a lot of ways. I'm curious because Cammy is very like, Let's do this and I want like we should do this and mostly with her brother because obviously they're [00:53:00] comfortable She's comfortable doing that but like I don't know She's a very I sometimes I'm wondering like is she an Enneagram four or is she an Enneagram eight?
Like I don't quite know. We'll see. But yeah, anyway, she's just fabulous. She took a bath this morning. She loves baths I hate taking baths, but she will like draw herself a bath and she will put the bubbles in she will get all We've got all these little You know safer You know, clean beauty bath stuff for her and she will just Relax.
Like, she creates, she likes to create vibes. She likes to create, like, party, like, like, just gatherings with, like, music. And, like, you know, decoration. So, anyways, I just love her so much. She's just fabulous. She's seven. Bear's gonna be ten in a couple... short weeks. And he's also, I mean, they're just there. I'm so lucky.
Like I really, really, really am lucky even through all the hard like moments and the challenges where like, you know, the [00:54:00] other day it was like, Cammy was pushing back and she didn't want to, she just like everything, everything we asked her to do, like, no, I don't want to do that. You know, just and like, kind of like with a little bit of disrespect.
And so we're like having all these conversations about respect and kindness and, you know, her Dad asked her to, Bear did something for her and her dad, her dad was like, you know, prompted her, like, we, this is where we show gratitude. Like when someone does something kind for you and like you show them gratitude and you can do it in a number of ways.
You can say thank you. You can, you know, pat him on the back. You can look him in the eye and be like, I appreciate that. You know, we're giving her all these options. And she was like, I just. Can't I can't I don't want to and I'm like, okay, so she lost her mind went into a room slammed the door and it was like a moment where I was like, I was I also can like dissociate where I'm just like, I feel myself just like [00:55:00] Leaving the room, leaving the situation, my eyes glaze over and I'm like, I can't handle this.
Like, I can't handle this right now. I'm overwhelmed. The emotion, the tears, the noise of this, like, you know, dramatic moment. And I found myself like wanting to dissociate so badly. But I was like, you know what, I'm just going to go in there. I'm going to ask her if she wants me to hold her. And then I'm just going to hold her and I'm just going to let her cry.
And so I went in there and I did it and I'm sitting there with her. And again, it was like kind of what you said, like, I'm still kind of dissociated, but I'm like coming back into the moment. I'm like, I'm here, I'm here. Like, I'm not saying this out loud. I'm like saying it in my brain. Like I'm here, like I'm here, I can do this.
And she, you know, we regulated together. Like it was like definitely a co regulation. moment. And, you know, she calmed down without me being like, stop crying. You know, this is ridiculous or anything like that. It was just like, okay, I know it's hard. It's hard. It's hard. [00:56:00] Even in my mind where I'm like, it's not that hard to say thank you.
I was like, I validated her. And then I was like, do you want some alone time now? Like when she had calmed down? Like, do you want some alone time in your room? Just lay on your bed and like have a moment. And she was like, yeah. So she like climbed up there and had her stuffed animals. And anyways, it was just, it's like.
It's a lot, but it's, it's moments of those where you're like, okay, we're doing this. And, you know, like you said, where like, no one would have done that for me in the past, like when I was a kid. Again, my parents did the best they could, but that just wasn't how we approached feelings in our house. And so it's like kind of seeing that, breaking those cycles when we can, and just doing the best we can.
Like that's, I guess, to wrap up everything, like Tim, myself, the kids, we're doing the best we can with them, with what we have in this moment and what we need in this moment as a family unit, and it's just, that's what it [00:57:00] is. And it's going to be okay. So. I don't know if there's anything else big to share.
I love that.
Laura: I mean, it's like, we're doing, that's what I, you know, I'll tell sometimes it's like we're doing the best we can. It doesn't mean we can't do better, but right now we're trying really hard and we're breaking cycles and we're showing up for our kids and we're trying to show up for ourselves and it's hard.
And also we're grateful. And, you know, it's like, again, those two things can coexist. Oh, I'm glad I'm not alone in the glaze over because I'm like beating myself up about it. But sometimes the fact that we're a little bit glazed over and still there, like my therapist is like, that's, that's huge.
Jess: I'd rather be glazed over and there than like ignore it, like not go in and just ignore and.
You know what I mean? Like, Totally. That, again, like, yeah, it's just,
Laura: I, I, And like you said, the co regulation, like, we're glazed over because that's our coping mechanism, and we're allowed to [00:58:00] cope, and we're allowed to fall into those, you know? But then we co regulate together, we come unglazed, our girls come back together, and
Jess: it's powerful, so.
It really is. It really, really is. And, you know, I want to also recognize that, like, I see that when you're the only, like, With me and Tim, it's like, he, we usually, it's like us kind of working off of each other, like him in that moment, yeah, him in that moment, he was like, I can't handle this. Like she's not, she's not being like, I guess a trigger for him is like, you know, not being respectful or not being kind.
And he was like, I can't handle it. Like, I can't do it. And I'm like, all right, I can do this. Like, I got you. It's not like, I'm not there. I'm not at the same level. And so it's like tag. Okay. Like you go take a moment. I'm going to like, yeah, I'm going to tap in and we can do this. And when you don't have that, oh, friend, like, I know that that is.
Like who [00:59:00] are
Laura: you going to tap in? I hear him coming to the end of his, I know the cues and I'm like, all right, let me unglaze, let me, I'm here, I'm there and then I can just come on in, you know, and that's huge. Like, I thank you for saying that because holy smokes, I miss it.
Jess: Yeah. I, I, I, I, I see you, I see you and I wish I could help, but you're doing it.
Like, I don't know. Is there like. There's nobody that so, and then, and then it's
Laura: like sitting here and listening to me is helping beyond belief. So I just need to talk and talk through it right there again, like the chakra of like the throat, like saying things logically. If you're really feeling in it, do a voice memo and just like verbally vomit everything that you're feeling.
Okay. Right. And then I was like, no wonder I have a six year standing podcast because like, it's, it's so cathartic.
Jess: I know, it's much cheaper than therapy too. Totally. I mean, it's not a replacement for [01:00:00] therapy, but I will say it, it's a pretty, it's very helpful. Yeah, and she's got
Laura: me on a sliding scale right now, which I cannot tell you how much I appreciate.
She's like making it doable because we need, I need it. And she sees that. And so she's. My tiny artiste just went and grabbed a bunch
Jess: of cardboard out of the laundry room. Alright, go at it, you artist. On that cue,
Laura: I feel like Yeah, I should probably get them ready for She gotta get her ready for forest school and all the things, so.
Thank you, I love you, and if I can help in any way, you know that I'm here.
Jess: I know. You've already done more than you know. Oh, that
Laura: means a lot. All right. Pray the best, . Okay, well
Jess: enjoy your day. That's, thank Jess. Thank you . Alright. All right. We'll talk soon. Bye. Bye. Don't it say thanks for listening to our podcast.
See you next
Laura: time.
Jess: Thanks for listening to our podcast. See you next time. Bye.[01:01:00]