MMP Ep 307: I Am Doing A Good Job

Laura Bruner: [00:00:00] Hey friends, can't wait till Wednesdays to get your Modern Mamas fixed. Join us on Patreon. You can choose your tier, and when you subscribe, you'll get bonus content, early access to retreat First Peaks at New Swag, plus shoutouts and even realtime monthly virtual hangs with us. Visit

Jess Gaertner: patreon.com/modern Mamas podcast.

Check it out and support the podcast. It truly means the world to us. We are so grateful for you and for this community. Hi.

Laura Bruner: Hi, friends. Welcome to the Modern Mamas Podcast. We are two modern mamas here to inspire empowerment, self-love, deep physical, and spiritual nourishment, holistic health, open minds and joy. No matter your journey or perspective. I'm Laura of Radical Roots. I'm a certified CrossFit trainer, certified nutrition consultant, and Mama to Evie Wilder and Indie Bow.

I love outdoor adventure, good food, especially sourdough [00:01:00] and mindful

Jess Gaertner: movement. And I'm Jess of Hold The Space Wellness. I'm a level one CrossFit trainer, a licensed and certified athletic trainer with a Masters in Kinesiology and Mama Tobe and Camille. I love food trying new things, creating art, and being a perpetual learner.

Please note that while we're here to provide advice and insights, we aren't medical practitioners and always recommend that you check with a trusted provider before implementing any changes. Thanks for joining us. We're so happy you're here. Hello and welcome finally. To a episode where we're together

Laura Bruner: on a Thursday morning, we're back to our like Thursday morning ritual.

And you know me, I'm a, I'm a ritual human, so ritual loving human. Um, this feels good. I mean, I hear Indie Rusty's finally sleeping in our bed again, and so I'm hoping he's able to kind of settle her, but. Here we are. Here

Jess Gaertner: we are. We made it happen. And we even tried to jump on a little bit early today and you know, it's just life.

This is the season we're in. [00:02:00] So if you hear a little baby crying in the background, I mean, you already know.

Laura Bruner: You already know. Yes. You And she's not being left to her own devices. Yes, she's not. That's. You know, teach their own, that's just not our, that's not her style. So

Jess Gaertner: she's taken care of. She's, she's love, she's got her needs met.

She's just expressing herself. She's expressing herself

Laura Bruner: with Rusty. So getting, they're getting back into that flow, which, I mean, that's the whole thing, right? Like he hasn't been able to be here, be there for her like that for months now. Mm-hmm. Over a month. So it's gonna take some. Some reuniting and some processing probably on both their parts.

For, for that too. For just that whole like, relationship to, I mean, not like it's been paused or anything, but Yeah, I feel like you guys,

Jess Gaertner: there's just ends and flows. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's preferences and there's, you know, there's seasons of life where one parent spends more time. Like, it's just, that's just the way it is.

That

Laura Bruner: is life. And I have been her, pretty much, her only, you know, for, for like over a month now. So I'm ready for. Her to emote with him a little bit too. [00:03:00]

Jess Gaertner: Well, that is, I mean, it's beautiful and wonderful and it's like amazing that she loves you so much and she wants to be with you 24 7, but it's also, there's like, it, it's, it is, and like hear me.

I feel like, I don't have to say this, but like, I know you love being that parent for her, but it's also can be exhausting to be the primary parent on the receiving end of holding space. You know what I mean? That's exhausting. It truly is. It really, really is. And there's been a

Laura Bruner: lot of, you know, a lot of big feelings in, in this house.

Mm-hmm. In general. Mm-hmm. So it's, it's, it's been a lot. And you know, I'm. I need a break. Mm-hmm. And I'm okay saying that, and the season of having like a real deal break is not right now, but I am like, I spent some time yesterday kinda looking at the calendar and thinking through like, okay, where can I go out to dinner with a friend or mm-hmm.

Get out for a walk because he's able to be at home alone with her now. He can't pick her up yet, but, You know, he's capable of like just being with her and, you know, [00:04:00] sitting on the couch and she can climb up on the couch so she can climb up next to him and that kind of thing, so. Mm-hmm. And of course, if there was like an emergency, emergency situation, he would pick her up, but that's where we're at.

So you might hear if she's fussing a little, but hopefully she'll settle back in. She should not be awake yet. So

Jess Gaertner: it's early. It's what? It's, it's

Laura Bruner: six 11 here. Yeah. And we've been consistently till like at least 6 45. Pretty much. So. But she's not used to not having me in bed. You know? It's, it's, it's just new.

So. Well, we will see you

Jess Gaertner: let me know, and I'm sure the listener, you let me know. Do you wanna go first or do you want to me to go first and you go, why don't

Laura Bruner: you go first and we'll see if that settles, and if not, I'll grab her and then I'll go.

Jess Gaertner: Okay. Awesome. Okay. Well, long time no see, I feel like a lot has happened on my end because I just got back on Monday night, late late Monday night from.

My photography retreat, the food photography retreat that I have been like [00:05:00] anxiously, not anxiously, but I've just been anticipating maybe a little bit of anxiety and we'll kind of get into that. I've been anticipating it for since I signed up, which was like, gosh, I can't even remember when I signed up.

It was a while back cuz it's been kind of a longer wait. And I remember I shared on Instagram, it was one of those like gut, like impulsive decisions because I'd been following this account called Foo Photography Corner for a while and Mackayla and Rosalyn are these two women that run it. And I had seen like all this, you know, Like content from their last retreat, which was in Park City, and I was like, oh my gosh, that's amazing.

It looks so great. Like, you know, as, as much as I feel like I've learned in the food photography realm over the last like year and a half-ish, there's still so much, especially on the business side, that I'm like, I. I don't know how to do this. Like, because, you know, most of my clients have kind of just fallen into my lap through word of mouth and, you know, just relationships, which is, has been incredible.[00:06:00]

But anyways, it popped across like I got a notification like, Hey, we're launching our retreat and sign up early. You get a discount, you can get your own room, you know, all these freebies for setting up early. And you know, Tim, I just wanna shout out to him for like a minute, like, He, you know, I mean, we're on a budget, right?

Like, I think most people are on some sort of a budget, albeit it might look different from person and family to family, but like, it was a big investment. And at that time I think we were kind of like, he was between, between projects and, you know, I was kind of trying to figure out what, like what I wanna focus on in my business and.

When it came up, I was like, oh my gosh, this is it. Like, this is all the things like, because everything they would learn there was were, was basically like all the gaps I felt like I, I was missing. In terms of like the knowledge that I needed to go out and like grow my food photography business and like reading all the things and I'm like, oh my gosh, this would be so amazing, but it's expensive.

And he was like, just do it. He's like, do it. Do it [00:07:00] right now. Like do it right now before you, like second guess it. And so I did. And his support, like he is just, he'll be the first person to be like, I don't think this is a good idea and come from a very like analytical, logical perspective. And sometimes I need to hear that.

But he will also be the first person when I'm like, really? Like in my gut. I'm like, oh, like have that feeling. Like he can tell and he'll be the first person to just be like, I. You should do it, like biggest supporter, we'll figure it out, you know, all that stuff. So, jumped in like without, without really thinking and purchased the ticket and you know, did all the things.

And now I've just been kind of like anxiously waiting to go and I kind of wanna say, You know, I just like wanna be, as I'm approaching 40, I wanna be just super transparent about like the aging process. Cuz I feel like people don't talk about it enough and it's not like I wanna talk about it. [00:08:00] Like, oh my gosh, it's so bad.

Like this is, it's like, you know, getting older, blah, blah, blah. Cause I don't really feel that way. It's more like the perception of you, like myself as a woman and a human as I age, I feel. And it's, it's subtle and it's nothing, there's nothing wrong or bad about it, but there's this like, subtle perception change.

As I tell people that I'm almost 40, that like, there's just the view of me as a woman. It's just, I can see it, I can feel it. It's like hard to describe. It's like, oh. 40 is this like milestone where I kind of stopped becoming this like young woman, this, this lady, this, you know, young mom. And it's like I'm entering into this like, new phase of like, I don't know how to say it.

Like just like I'm a more of like a matriarch, which is fine, but at the same time it's just like, it's so, it's such a weird. Place to be. So anyways, fast forward to my anxieties about this trip was I'm gonna be the [00:09:00] oldest person there, like these women, I'd had no idea how old they were and I found out once I got there, but I was like, I bet they're in their like mid twenties.

I bet everyone that's gonna be there is like gonna be in their mid twenties, which there's nothing wrong with being in your mid twenties, but like there's a, a stark difference sometimes. And just like the, what you're like. The way of living, right? Like I now have to go to bed early and you know, I always was kind of an early to bed person, but like, I can't hang, like I'm not drinking, you know, like I had no idea.

And my brain was kind of like telling me a lot of things. Like, you don't know what to expect. You don't know if this is gonna be one giant party and you're gonna be awkward. And because, I mean, let's face it, and I've said this numerous times, times before, and I'm okay with it. I'm kind of an awkwardly.

Like funny human in a lot of ways and I love it. And the people in my life, you know, love that about me. But like introducing your awkwardness to like new people can always be a little bit like, I don't know, it can feel [00:10:00] challenging. So I'm like, what are they gonna like me just in general? And then I'm old, you know, all these things that like my brain is telling me like, you shouldn't do this after I sign up.

And so anyways, just been really anticipating it. And I've kind of had my, my business on hold in a lot of ways. My food photography business because I'm like, I don't know. I need to learn all this stuff and I don't know how to learn it aside from this retreat. So anyways, fast forward, nervous, anxious to get there, get there, and it was just so.

It was so good. It was so great. And I'm not gonna lie, there definitely was some like feelings of like, you know, realization like I am one of the older people there, but like it was totally fine. It's okay. Like I am still me. And it's fun when you realize that, you know, there's always that initial like kind of awkward, like meeting people for the first time and like you don't know what to say.

And, but then once we got there and just kind of got into it, It [00:11:00] was, you know, it's like our retreats. It's like you just feel like you know somebody relatively quickly cuz you're thrown together in a s a small space. We all stayed in the same house for a, like a very condensed, short period of time. And you just get to know people.

Like there were tears on the first night, which that's, that's pretty par for the course. Cuz at our retreats, you know, same cuz you just realize you don't have a lot of time to just like, Chit chat and like, you know, talk about fluff. You just like kind of dive right into the nitty gritty. So like I'm sharing part of my story because someone else shared part of their story very vulnerably and I was like, wow.

I connect with that, like I resonate with that. And so, you know, I opened up about some things that I don't talk about with a lot of people, especially people that I just met. So it was one of those situations where it was just so fun. It was in Asheville, which was just Abso, I mean, I fell in love. I truly fell in love.

And I didn't even really get to see a ton of, of Asheville [00:12:00] because, you know, we were, we were working a lot, but there was one day we went into town, we did a restaurant shoot at this place called Rhubarb. Which was like farm to table and just, they had like sourdough bread proofing when we walked in. It was just, you would've loved it, Laura.

Oh my God. It was like 100% your jam and oh my gosh. You would've loved it and it was wonderful. And we spent time doing a restaurant shoot there and then we, you know, walked around downtown a little bit and then took a sprinter van into this winery called Plebe. I don't know, cuz I know you've been there before, but I don't know how much you've got to see of Ashe, but it was like a natural, like wine winery.

It was like all. You know, sulfur free and unfiltered and you know, all the things that you would love as well. I, the whole time I was there, I was thinking like, Laura would love this place, which maybe we should do, maybe we should go there.

Laura Bruner: Yeah. Let's, let's do a meetup there. Like, I loved it. The food was great.

I didn't feel like we had enough time. I was watching some of [00:13:00] the stuff you're sharing. I'm like, oh my gosh, give me all this food. That wine bar looked amazing. Yeah, I love they had non-alcoholic options too.

Jess Gaertner: Absolutely. Absolutely. It was, it was really cool. So I got to have like a, One of their house-made non-alcoholic sparkling like water situations.

It was, it was so fun. So we went there and then we also went to the um, W N C Farmer's Market in Nashville, and it was like, it's one of the largest, I think they have multiple farmers markets in Asheville, but this one was huge. I mean, it had like, I mean, we had to drive around in a trolley to get to all the places because there was like giant like pavilions where you could like drive a semi-truck under and it was like fruit and vegetables and there was like a whole textile salt stall where you could just get like raw, like sheeps wool or alpac afer or you know, all this stuff.

It was just gorgeous, like just. I mean, there were just amazing makers, fresh produce, [00:14:00]flowers. They had like this flower stall that was just, I mean, the price for the flowers was just so affordable, and they were beautiful and they were locally grown. And you know, the food and all of it. Like it was just so beautiful.

So we did that. And so we got to explore Asheville a little bit, but most of the time, and we were like cramming in workshops from like the moment we woke up to like the second we went to bed, which was like 1130 plus 1230. You know, most nights. And so it was a lot, but it was amazing. I met people from all over, kind of, you know, doing what I do and kind of trying to get into it with different backgrounds and different interests, and it was just, It was so good.

And Mackayla and Rosslyn were lovely, the hosts and they taught me a lot. So I mean that was, that's kinda like the biggest thing. I'm really, really excited cuz now it's like, okay, I've learned all this stuff and I'm gonna go put it into practice. And that's also like, daunting cuz it's like, oh, okay, now I've gotta put myself out there.[00:15:00]

And you know, you like question your, your, your capability and your talent and. You know, it's, but it was nice because everyone there like has been through that. I was like, you know, I wouldn't, I don't know, it's hard to call myself an artist, but at the same time, like I'm a creative person and I'm really learning to like lean into that like strength.

I love being creative and I always have, but it's like this voice in my brain over time. Especially as I like, you know, went to college and stuff. It was like you. Like need a real job. Like you need something that will pay the bills. Like you need, like, I don't know, it's just this like, whether it's society or just this internal thing, like pushing me to more logical, you know, expression and career and all that.

Like, it's really been fun to come back to this creative side of myself. Like I love to create art. When I was younger, I was, I loved to paint. I remember like, or [00:16:00] originally doing this, like painting in high school of this eyeball. It was a, like I copied it from, I think I forget the guy's name, surrealist guy.

And it's like this eyeball that has like a sky in the eye and just being like, oh my gosh, I made that and it's good. And you know, since then, just getting back to the roots of. You know, doing things like painting, I like to make the services that I photograph on, I like to create and like procreate on the iPad, you know?

So slowly, slowly I've been stepping back into this creative part of myself and I am embracing this part of me that like identifies as an artist. And I, I do feel like I have a creative eye in that I have an eye for photography and I'm just, Excited about

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Enjoy. I am excited for you cause I know how much it's me means to you and I know you. You are an artist and you have such a gift and your photos are beautiful and I am just so excited that you took this leap and invested in yourself in this way and your work and. [00:19:00] I can't wait to see where it takes you.

Thanks, friend. I've and Asheville

Jess Gaertner: is just, it's magic. So cool. It's so, it's magic. It was like, Um, just, they were saying, I've never been to Costa Rica, but one of the gals was saying, it reminds her where we were, was like kind of up in the trees. Mm-hmm. And there's so many trees, like just trees everywhere.

And she was like, it just reminds me of Costa Rica, like it's so green. And where we were almost felt like that wanna get back there? Yeah. It almost felt like a tree house in the middle of like this gorgeous forest and it was just, I loved it. I loved it. So we'll see. We'll see. Very cool. Yeah, I love it.

I'm glad you did that. Me too. It was good. I'm exhausted. Yeah, but we were talking on boxer yesterday. It's like, oh it was so great and cup filling, cuz I know you had kind of a, a wonderful whirl one trip as well. Mm-hmm But it's like, now I feel like I need like a whole week to just shine, re recover and recenter.

Laura Bruner: So yeah. What day did you get back from it? Like [00:20:00]

Jess Gaertner: Monday the week. So we left Thursday early. Yeah. And came back Monday late at

Laura Bruner: night. I guess. I got home super early on a Tuesday morning. And that's, Gosh, I am such an advocate for coming home early on a Sunday or like even on a Saturday, because having a data reset.

Mm-hmm. See, I went, I got home. Well, I guess

Jess Gaertner: I should jump in. Tell you wanna back up. You go back and

Laura Bruner: forth too. Yeah, I recorded our last episode by myself right before this trip that I had over the weekend with, um, one of my best friends in the entire world, Kelsey. And so I feel like I like updated a lot on like our state and like, you know,

Jess Gaertner: God bless you,

Laura Bruner: and the, you know, kind of recap of what everything that happened.

So if you missed that one, go back to the last episode. Just about like Rusty's emergency emergency surgery and how our community really stepped up and just like de gratitude for the support here as well. And just across the board and kind of dove deep into like the, the real and raw and the fear and the [00:21:00] processing and, and all of it.

So Rusty's now three plus state, three plus weeks out of surgery and it's, gosh, it's recovery. Getting sliced open from like your pubic bone up past the belly button is pretty intense. Mm-hmm. And having, you know, parts of your, uh, insides removed. All very intense. But he's on the end, I feel like. So I ended up taking Indie with me.

And I don't know, I think when I recorded it hadn't fully made that decision of whether or not I was gonna bring her. So I had this girls' trip planned with my friend Kelsey for, I mean, months. And we, it, we, it took us months just to dial in a date and then, you know, she's pregnant with her third and life is, there's just a lot of moving parts.

And so we finally made it happen and we decided, Thankfully ahead of time that she was gonna come to Bainbridge Island, which for me is an hour and a half drive, and for her as like a, you know, five plus hour flight. And so it was one of those things where it's like we could both travel and get on planes and everything, or one of us could, and then we're just kind of like split the cost of travel [00:22:00] and, and all of that.

So anyways, my mother-in-law had already planned on coming so that she could help Rusty with the girls while I went. It was getting my first time away from Indy. But then, you know, all of this happened. So then it was like, is this gonna happen? Am I gonna do this still? And ultimately as a family, we decided that it would like, obviously benefit my mental health.

Jeanie, Janie, Rusty's mom is like incredibly capable and Evie adores her. But then the big question mark was, excuse me, was this Miss Indie girl? Because you know, I've never been away from her at night. We bed share Rusty up until he's still not really able to sleep in the bed all the way through the night.

Because he is gotta be propped up. And so I just made the decision to bring her along and yes, I see you, she's currently putting a tuto on her head. And so it just, it, you know, and I'm so glad that I did because Kelsey hadn't met her yet. And it, there was, you know, I did so much travel with Evie when she was little.

I know. And so it was really great to like, Have this time with Indie and [00:23:00] she just had a blast. We went to all our favorite places in Bainbridge and then Finn River and Port Townsend, and she's just like the life of a party. She's, she is easier out and about as long as I am, making sure that I'm fostering, like choosing places and have realistic expectations.

Can you bring that book to daddy? I think Daddy would like to read that to you. Real expectations as far as like, you know, she's not gonna sit in a high trip for very long. Her and E are different in that way, but there was, there was a magic to it. And, and her watching her like immediately take to Kelsey reaching for her, asking her to hold her, like that was really, really special as well.

And so anyway, so it was, it was ended up being really special. Obviously, I didn't have any like, True downtime because mm-hmm. You know, it's like I had her and Kelsey and I spent some time just like lounging on the couch at this incredible Airbnb, it's called Froggie Heights. So if you're ever on Bainbridge Island, go check it out.

It's like, it's gorgeous. It's a little bit more like up in the trees, there's a main bedroom, sleep area and then like a second little bedroom. That was great for Evie. It was perfect for [00:24:00] Kelsey and there's a little kitchenette and it's just, it's so lovely. So we stayed there and you know, we were back at the Airbnb by like four or five every day.

We. Pick up some fun treat, and Kelsey both just finished the book, little Fires Everywhere, which was really good. And so we started that on Hulu and Indie had already stayed at this Airbnb, so she was very comfortable there. So she just kind of like cruised around and would like climb up on the couch and snuggle and then like go run and grab something and throw it across the room.

And it was just lovely and we got to, you know, do all of her favorite things. But that said like, you know, I was going to bed with her every night and you know, I was able to still get up at four and get, and have some alone time in the morning, but, It was just, it was go, it was rejuvenating in the most important ways, but I am just tired

Jess Gaertner: physically.

I'm sure it's like a lot. Yeah. Yes.

Laura Bruner: And you know, she's in a, we're all processing a lot and she's very empathetic to my energy. And so she's mostly just wanted me, and especially like when we're in our house, I'm, I'm so grateful the sun [00:25:00] has been out way more, we're supposed to hit like 70 degrees this weekend, and so if I can get her outside, She is like a different baby.

She doesn't need to be in my arms all the time and all of that. So we're gonna get out to the lake this weekend. Yeah. But I just, I got home, so on Tuesday morning, woke up at four. I had most things like packed up the night before, Kelsey had to be at the ferry at 5:00 AM and then I was just like, you know what, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna go home.

So an hour and a half later, I'm home. It's like 6:30 AM. And it's like in the door with indie for school lunches, you know, making breakfast for everyone. I like made my mushroom boosted mushroom coffee and like got, got right back into my rhythms, which I've, I've said before, and I said this on the last episode, how important and how, how much it's, it's really served us in this season that I do have.

Rituals and routines to kind of keep us as a family and myself for sure, grounded through mm-hmm. Chaos, you know? Mm-hmm. And so I was able to kind of get right back into it. Rusty was able to stay alone with Indie for the first time, and so I [00:26:00] got right into the gym, moved my body, got back to work, but you know, right into like a teen calls for CrossFit and it just, it just was like, okay, we're hitting the ground running.

It's Tuesday. So I got, had a little bit of overwhelm on Tuesday, just like, okay, I've got, I missed a day of work, which I'm grateful that I. Fully, like I disconnected on Monday and that felt so good by just kind of getting right back into it. So I had therapy yesterday, which was super cathartic and I was able to talk through some things and also implement some tools to help me cuz I, I found that time and time again, like Monday, Tuesday, I feel overwhelmed.

I look at my list for the things that have to get done and I feel overwhelmed. And so we worked through kind of like, okay, why don't you. And it makes, it seems so simple, kind of like, duh. But like why don't you, instead of having your weekly to-do list of the things that need to be checked off, because, you know, I work basically in like, kind of like publishing.

We're publishing content for affiliates, for programming and it's a similar to-do list every week and we gotta get it out, you know, things inputted and then, and published and all that. So I'm breaking it [00:27:00] down now by the day and it's amazing how such a simple thing you know already. So after right after therapy I got on and like reorganized my to-do list for CrossFit work to be just day to day.

And I was like, oh my gosh, this all of a sudden feels. So much more manageable. I know that I can get those things done tomorrow and those things done Friday, and so it's amazing how therapy can just take, like talking through, first of all the processing of everything that's gone on and also the acknowledging of like, I am doing a good job.

Mm-hmm. You know, she was, she was really having not heard everything yet, she was very impressed with just how things played out and how I was able to move forward and. And like say, you know, quote unquote strong through it all and, and just move, you know, but still take space to feel and all of that. So just that acknowledgement felt really good.

And then some tools to move forward and just reminders to like, take it kind of one day at a time versus the week, the month, because there are still a lot of uncertainty for us in regards to Rusty and the fire season and all of that. So anyways, [00:28:00] it's been, it's been good. So coming back into this week, you know, full statement ahead and having that therapy appointment midweek.

Was really great and, and just, you know, acknowledging the importance of asking, not just a, not just accepting help, but asking for help and like simplifying mealtime, because many of you know that dinner is like, I love it. It's such a cool experience for me every evening to like wind down, prepare a nourishing meal, sit down with a family.

But there's also, what comes with that is the prep time and the cleanup time, and getting the girls into the bath and then getting, you know, embracing bedtime for both. And having to do that for so long by myself, my hat's off to any mama who's doing this thing solo, because it is, it's a lot that, especially that those hours at the end of the day mm-hmm.

When my nervous system is taxed and all of that. So, you know, last, a friend of ours last week brought over a couple of trays of. This really delicious venison pasta sauce that she had made. And I had I, we ate one that evening and then I put one in the freezer. So last night it was like I made it back to bone broth rice.[00:29:00]

I put the pasta sauce thing in the fri in the oven, heated it up. I had some paca I made that morning, like super easy dinner. So just embracing the concept, and it's something that I know intuitively, but. Sometimes I like to make things a little bit more, even like the simple dinners adding, you know, this and that and some avocado here, and these onions in the make.

Well, let's whip up a quick sauce. You know, it's like, actually, you know, the night before it was like we just did some daily harvest, one of their grains bags, which I love. They're so good and so flavorful. And they have like a mix of like black beans and wild rice and veggies in there too. And so just that with some ground lamb from my friend Anna of Shale ale Sheep Co.

And then just some pickled onions and some sour cream and like simple, you know, I didn't make a sauce or like dress it up. So just leaning into simplicity, practicing what I preached, like simple meals are, can be super nourishing. And again, like asking for and accepting help. So yesterday to make therapy happen, I asked one of our sitters a, a young [00:30:00] gal from the gym who's been so helpful, she came over, she put indie in the stroller and she walked both girls to Evie's Jiujitsu class.

And so Evie got to take class, she got to test for two new stripes, and then she took them to the playground. And so just trying to get creative with like, okay, what are ways that we can get the girls out and utilize help? And Rusty got some downtime and I had therapy, so little things like that. And then I took our Patreon call on a walk, which I needed desperately.

I needed to get outta the house. And so anyways, I guess a lot to say is just me like. Acknowledging that asking for accepting help is important and also acknowledging that I am doing a good job. Gosh, I thought different. A couple people messaged me in DM since listening to yesterday's episode and just like saying that it, it made them cry, which then I read that and then it makes me cry cause I feel so seen.

And sometimes I'm like, do people think that I like overreacted to all of this? I don't think that I did. It was very intense and very scary and we are moving through it and [00:31:00] the, I am just so deeply grateful for. You know, the, the donations and the support and even just the messages like that of solidarity and love.

It just, it means so much. I,

Jess Gaertner: I mean, I'm gonna get, like, this is my, like eight wing coming out and my like, protectiveness. But like, I'm gonna save Anyone thinks you're overacting, like I'm gonna, I don't give a shit

Laura Bruner: what they think and I'll fight and no one has given me any, like, any sign that that's the case at all.

I know, I know. And our community, that's like tough. Tough edges. Like I, I can take on anything, you know? Yeah. But I can't, like, I can do hard things, but also that was really fucking harsh.

Jess Gaertner: It was hard. And it's like, it's a whole other thing, like, that's your person. Mm-hmm. You don't know what's gonna happen.

You know, there's a lot of like, fear. I, I mean, I can only put myself in your shoes, like imagining, but like, that's really freaking scary. And whatever you're feeling is valid. And even if you were like, I was fine. You know, that's also valid. Like it's just, [00:32:00] Yeah, we're allowed to feel all the feelings, everything in between, the extreme feelings and the feelings of like, Hey, I've got this.

You know, like, it's just, it's all, it's all acceptable and normal and fine. I think you rocked it, and not that you need to hear it, but like, I think you're doing a fantastic job. And I also keep thinking too, like, you know, while it's extremely hard and challenging, like it's all, there's almost, you know, silver lining, positive thinking.

It's like, This is also a gift because it's like you get a glimpse of, you know, if slash when Rusty get gets the fire jobs and he's gone for extended periods of times and you're, you know, solo parenting, you know, you're already developing some tools that will help that transition be easier. I feel like, you know, I don't know, maybe that's my story lining.

Laura Bruner: Totally. I talk to my therapist and Rusty about that yesterday, like, yeah, man, his first deployment is gonna feel like a breeze compared to this because this was multiple, like the longest he could be gone I think is 21 days. And this was 21 days, pretty much. Mm-hmm. I mean, I [00:33:00]had obviously help from the community, which we'll have then too.

Mm-hmm. But on top of that, like solo stuff is just the immense heaviness of the worry about him. Mm-hmm. And of course, you know, and now I say that, I'm like, well, shit, like he's gonna be fighting wildfires. Like they'll, there will still be worry, but it's not as acute and is not as intense and I'm not like, jumping back and forth from the hospital and, and all of that.

So yeah, he, he talked to his boss. Yesterday or they before time is a vortex. And so we were this whole time thinking that okay, they said he still can start May 1st. What does that look like? He can't really be at a station all day yet. Like he's not even in that physical state yet to even really hang out at a station, like in work clothes all day.

Mm-hmm. He just stopped wearing his like midline brace. Bang. So, Yeah, as of yesterday, they said there's basically like three start, start dates. There's May 1st, there's June 1st, and then there's June, I think 13th or 15th, somewhere mid-June. And so they said, you know, you take whichever one of those is going to best serve you.

So we're now we're just like, okay, we're gonna plan on mid-June, [00:34:00] which of course is hard cuz we're missing out on thousands of dollars of income, of base salary. But ultimately, obviously his health is comes first. Mm-hmm. And then he has to be in a physical state to do the job safely. Right. Otherwise he's putting himself and potentially his team at risk.

Mm-hmm. So, He's gonna request, hopefully he can get some CrossFit seminars in the meantime. So there's a silver lining too. It gives him more time. He was just moving on to the next lecture. So he is given the presses, he is moving on to deadlift. He's kind of fast tracking through that because he's taught the kids seminars and so now, you know, he got, he had to pull out of two seminars when everything happened.

So hopefully he can get a few continued to, to get that ball rolling. In the meantime, you know, uh, we get some, we get more time with Daddy around. So, you know, there, there are definitely silver linings and I am just sitting in that and maybe I'll have some more clarity with like my work with CrossFit in the meantime and mm-hmm.

So we're just sitting in this state of, of uncertainty little by little it feels like there's more things, like over the course of the time I was gone with Indie and [00:35:00] Evie stayed at Grammy's, Airbnb through a lot of that as well. He had a lot of downtime to just like rest. Mm-hmm. And I didn't see him for three and a half, four days.

And so for me, Seeing him every single day, the progress feels so slow. Mm-hmm. But then being gone, that was another silver lining of that. Like I'm glad that I kept that plan. Mm-hmm. Is that I came back and I was like, whoa. Like huge leaps. Yeah. That it's harder to see when you're just in it on the day to day.

Oh, oh, totally. I think we're all, we're both just kind of like, okay, we're like, the progress is very obvious. It's, and it's not super fast and it's not something we wanna rush because he, this is huge, like mm-hmm. Anyone who understands fitness and, and functional fitness and like cross crossing methodology, it's like everything is core to extremity.

Mm-hmm. And his core was sliced open. And that takes a long time to heal. And, and you know, a lot of us are, how are postpartum C-section and vaginal birth? It does ultimately your core is jeopardized. Mm-hmm. I don't know, jeopardize, I guess is the right word, but compromise. Compromise, that's the word.

During that process. And it's funny, I'm seeing so many similarities and obviously Rust and I have talked about how it's different [00:36:00] because when I grew and then birthed our babies, it's like that was a natural body process. Mm-hmm. You know, that we've been doing for, for so long as, as women, and this is very unnatural.

It was emergency, he was sliced open, you know, so it's different kind of healing, but it, it just, the importance of taking the time is really what it boils down to. It's like we can't rush this. We can't rush it so they can get, go into a job for the summer, that's very dangerous, you know? Mm-hmm. He's gotta be able to run fast and lift heavy things and move with the job of a hat.

We don't wanna jeopardize his safety in that regard. So yeah, just deep breaths one day at a time, trusting the process. Mm-hmm. And. Accepting and asking for help. Like for instance, this evening, I've got this wonderful friend, her name's Christine and she lives in swim and she's got three kids and her oldest is Evie's age and they, they met at Forest school.

They just adore each other and her house is . It's where any of you who saw the photos from the sourdough workshop that I did, her house is just, it's beautiful, it's comfortable. She has a [00:37:00]giant backyard with like a little playground. The couches are cozy. It's like beautiful, but also like so comfortable and I feel it her, her energy, her husband's energy, I just feel immediately at ease.

So I texted her like a week and a half ago and I was like, Hey, you know, she was checking in. How are you doing? I'm like, you know what? I could really, this is just like an evening with you. Mm-hmm. Can I bring the girls over? We'll get Rusty an evening to just rest. Like I could pick up pizzas on the way.

She's like, you show up whenever you want. We will have pizzas there for my favorite restaurant, Alder Wood. And so just that in of itself, like, oh, I'm gonna cry for you. I know. And so I'm, we're doing that this afternoon. I, I have a cleaner coming to the house because I have not had a chance. You know, it's like things like the tub and the sinks that are just, they get grimy.

Mm-hmm. And so cleaners coming. I'm gonna take the girls over to their house at three. We're gonna play, probably have some clean wine and, and eat pizza. And it, I'm sure it will fill my cup in all the most incredible ways. So mm-hmm. Really looking forward to that. And it's things like that, like, okay, what do I actually need?

Mm-hmm. Right now. And it's like someone to [00:38:00] come walk the girls to jujitsu, someone to a house, just to go and like, get out of my house. Mm-hmm. Because indie. Is attached at my hip in our own home. Mm-hmm. But we go there and all of a sudden she's like, woo-hoo. You know, let's play. So party time, totally accepting help for people to like come mow the lawn.

Mm-hmm. I've been able to keep up with the dog poop now, but it's hard to mow the lawn because, It's not safe to do it with letting indie just cruise. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then I don't wanna wake her up with the lawnmower when she's napping. And so just things like that, you know, I think our landlord, I think is gonna come mo and then after like one more, those of you who don't understand, like you're probably like, what the hell?

This lawn mowing situation spring here, right? It, it rains almost every day for at least a little bit. Then the sun comes out almost every day. And the, the lawn,

Jess Gaertner: it's like prime, prime growing situation for the

Laura Bruner: grass. Totally mow it. And then like two days later I'm like, there's a freaking jungle in our backyard.

So Rusty's dad and stepmom are coming this weekend too. And so I've got some like garden projects that I'm [00:39:00] already looking forward to and I've just bought this cool, this like shelf that I'm gonna put up out in our laundry room to be able to better, I just wanna organize like all my flowers and my bulk goods.

Yeah. And dry goods and you know, so we're just, We're just, I'm trying to like, and then we have a fence we're setting up in the backyard that we bought to separate. The dogs will have the side yard area, they can poop there. And then we will have the other half of the yard with like the garden beds. And I'm gonna set up a fire pit and get some like bark and a bench or something from our like secondhand outdoor store and just try and like make the house.

And the yard extra enjoyable so that I can get in the outside. Mm-hmm. Last summer, we hung out in the front yard every single day, but she now is very fast and loves running away. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So the backyard has to be set up for, for fun in that capacity. So I'm back to like, I feel like I was staying all this stuff and then everything happened and I, everything, everything just got put on hold.

Mm-hmm. It was like the bare essentials. Get us fed, get work done. [00:40:00] Take time to process and take deep breaths, and now I get, get excited again about like summer and setting up our yard for enjoyment and growing food and all that stuff. Like, just literally like left my brain. Mm-hmm. Unless I looked out the window and, and then I would feel sad.

So finding joy in all that stuff again and, and reminding myself and anyone else who needs to hear it, that emergency, acute, stressful situations happen. It does. They're, they are not forever. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. I'm still gonna, I was like, oh my gosh. Like, I'm gonna miss the window for my garden. Not even close.

I could probably do it next month mm-hmm. A month from now and still be fine. Mm-hmm. And the joy and all of that. It, it, it's still there through the hard stuff. It's just kind of pushed down and then there will be space and time and it will come back and, you know, it's, everything is gonna be great and I feel super grateful to have had.

Snippets of joy and seasons of joy throughout this like, larger stressful time. Like when my sister came mm-hmm. We had, we, I la belly laughed, we had fun. And then this time with Kelsey was like so incredibly cut, filling. And if we don't make time for those [00:41:00] types of experiences during, and of course it's coming from any year seven, but if we don't make time for that, for the joy, even in the midst of hard stuff, because we've said it so many times on the podcast, like joy and fun and bliss can coexist with hard and.

Sad and grief and mm-hmm. Fear and anxiety. They can coexist. It's just like, are we able to allow them to coexist and see. The importance of acknowledging both really.

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Okay.

Absolutely. It's still there. Mm-hmm. All the good things that you have to [00:43:00] be grateful for, they're still there. You sometimes you just have to dig a little bit deeper to see 'em and find them. Yeah. In those hard situations, like Yeah. You know, it's just, and

Laura Bruner: it takes, sometimes it takes help. Mm-hmm. And it takes mm-hmm.

Time with someone who brings that out of you. Mm-hmm. And so, time with my sister and time with Kelsey, and Time with Rusty, you know, we. We are getting to the point where, like, I've gone back to having a few days with him where Andy's napping and evie's still at school, and I'm like, I'm gonna do my bowl of ice cream and we're gonna watch an episode of Ted Lasso in the middle of the day together.

Mm-hmm. And it's, it's so sweet. Like that's the way to be intimate mm-hmm. In a season where, you know, life has just been wild. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. It's good. It's good. It's, it's been hard. It's also been good. I've learned a lot about myself mm-hmm. About my relationship with my husband, about my girls and their ability to, To navigate the hard stuff.

Like I don't love the whole phrase like kids are resilient. Like I don't think we should intentionally put our kids in situations that requires them to build resiliency emotionally, you know? Mm-hmm. At such young ages. But at the same time, I think I said this on the last episode, you know, the way that [00:44:00] we've raised them so far and where like when I had a moment where I like was basically had to drop to my knees and like just breathe in that first week, Evie knows immediately that.

I'm okay. Mm-hmm. She wasn't scared. She just knows that I need a moment to take deep breath. Cuz we've taught her, when you're overwhelmed or stressed, return to your breath. Mm-hmm. Take some deep, deep breath. So instead of asking me like, mama, what's wrong? She just came over and just like hugged me. You know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I just, there's so much power in that and I just am so proud of her and so, yeah, I think it, it is what it is. I wasn't perfect through it all by any means, but, We did it and we're still in it, but we're definitely on the up and up and that's, so that's where we're at. Hi, sweet girl. There she

Jess Gaertner: is.

On cue. Yeah. Yeah, on cue. Well, that was, I mean, I feel like this is a great stopping point. I feel like, yeah. Your girls are getting up and I feel like, mm-hmm. I mean, do you feel like you were able to, I really wanted you to be able to process today. You [00:45:00] know, I mean, obviously it's an ongoing process processing.

Yeah. But like, you know, that's the beauty of our ketchup episodes. I feel like, you know, things happen and then we're able to come on here and just talk about it. Emote, emote and, you know, it's different for, and in different seasons, like I'm the one emoting, and then in other seasons you're the one emoting and like mm-hmm.

I don't know, I just feel like it was really important for, for, I mean, for one, for me to hear. I think we, I mean we've been chatting back and forth obviously throughout this whole thing, but like, we haven't had a chance to like connect at all. And, and the beautiful thing is like, I knew we would eventually get space to connect in this way, so it wasn't like, oh my gosh, I wanna like cast her.

Laura, like, where is she? Like, what's she doing? How, yeah. How are things like, how are things, you know? So like that's just a beautiful part of our relationship is that I know, like I'm very secure in the, the knowledge that like, We'll, we get our time and we, yeah. I don't know. It's just special. Totally. I dunno if I'm describing

Laura Bruner: that the space is special and Yeah.

I'm so grateful, you know, to [00:46:00] have the space to share and the solidarity and the support. I mean, I, I, I, I don't think I'll ever really have the words for how grateful I am for the donations, like mm-hmm. The GoFundMe was a hard thing to accept at first. Mm-hmm. And then when I let go of my ego and was like, yes, we need this help.

Rusty's gonna be out of work and we have expenses that are unexpected and. So for, to have had this, this community and our local community show up in that way too. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, I really don't have the words cuz it's just taken that extra layer of stress off both of us mm-hmm. To know that we have like a, you know, we aren't just getting in this deep hole.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and just thank you for the kind words and for, you know, showing up and, and supporting virtually in so many ways. So, Very grateful and community is amazing. Amazing. And of course it'll be an ongoing processing process, but we're also, you know, expect episodes that are fun.

And actually I got a request for an episode on like how we manifest things in our lives, and I think I'm really looking forward to sharing more on that as well. I think it'll [00:47:00] be, Ooh, I like that. Yeah, I think that that'll be fun. Okay. And so if you guys have stuff he wants to talk about, I mean, we've done a lot of catching up versus topical.

Yeah. Last one was kind of a topical for me, like a topical, well, here's what's going on. But yeah, let us know what you wanna hear about as we move into this new season. And we still have a lot of fun stuff coming your way. And our Patreon community is growing. We had like a. Great turnout on last night's Zoom call, which was super

Jess Gaertner: fun.

Yeah. Some new faces and of course our new faces like OG veterans, but like, yeah, that, that, to see that space grow is just so fun. So join us over there. If you, if you'd been thinking about, there was a gal on there who'd been thinking about it for like, I think she said like a lo like a year or and a half or something.

And she finally did it and it was so good to like meet her. Yeah. And yeah, just if you've been thinking about it, come on over. It's

Laura Bruner: a good place. We love you guys. Yeah. And we love that, that. You know, intimacy and like getting to hear Christy's birth story yesterday. Yeah. Like, it's just, it's such a, such a fun space to connect, so

Jess Gaertner: Yeah.

Totally. All right,

Laura Bruner: friends. All right, well thanks everyone. We love you and. We'll chat at you [00:48:00]next week.

Jess Gaertner: Sounds good. Talk to you. Andy says, bye bye, Andy. Bye bye. I dunno what

Laura Bruner: to say.

Jess Gaertner: Thanks for listening to our podcast. See you

Laura Bruner: next time. Thanks for listening to our podcast. See you next time. Bye.[00:49:00]