MMP Ep 309: The Pause and Reflect Moment

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Hi, friends. Welcome to the Modern Mamas Podcast. We are two modern mamas here to inspire empowerment, self-love, deep physical, and spiritual nourishment, holistic health, open minds and joy. No matter your journey or perspective. I'm Laura of Radical Roots. I'm a certified CrossFit trainer, certified nutrition consultant, and Mama to Evie Wilder and Indie Bow.

I love outdoor adventure, good food, especially sourdough [00:01:00] and mindful

movement. And I'm Jess of Hold The Space Wellness. I'm a level one CrossFit trainer, a licensed and certified athletic trainer with a Masters in Kinesiology and Mama Tobe and Camille. I love food trying new things, creating art, and being a perpetual learner.

Please note that while we're here to provide advice and insights, we aren't medical practitioners and always recommend that you check with a trusted provider before implementing any changes. Thanks for joining us. We're so happy you're here. Hello and welcome to another episode of the Modern Mamas Podcast.

It's Justin. Laura. We're here bright and early.

We are

modern mamas. We're, we are modern mamas. We're modern and we're mamas, and we have a podcast. And so it's called

the Modern Mamas Podcast.

Hence here to four. Hence fourth. Hence fourth. I don't know. It's early hard. Oh my gosh. Tired. I wish I could start over.

We gotta roll with it. We gotta roll with it. Oh [00:02:00] heavens. Hopefully y'all got a chuckle like

we

did out of that. Y'all ridiculousness. I know y'all are here for it. Y'all, y'all. Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna just tell myself that, but anyways, I'm here. Hi. Hi. Good morning, and we're here. I've got a cup of coffee.

Just finished mine and now I'm sipping water.

Nice. I'm not quite as high maintenance as in the beverage game as I think. As you are. See, here's my thing. I like a single beverage out of time. Mm. And I really just put my heart and soul and focus into that beverage. And as you witnessed, I drink it way too fast. I was gonna say,

I've seen you put your entire heart and soul and focus into beverages many times and it's, I mean, it's, it's intense.

It's an intense love intense. I'll

never, I'll always remember that, that that verb morning when we like sat down and we got our drip and I like chugged mine, I'm still not entirely sure why that was next level. I look over and you'd had like a sip and I was like, huh, well I guess I [00:03:00] need another one.

I think that's really what it comes down to is like you, why drink one slowly when you can have two quickly

really fast and then like literally start shaking from the caffeine.

I like it. I like it.

Oh, so good. It just makes me so excited about more croissants and dipping in coffee and foam and all the things to come.

Mm, and that's exciting. I mean, transitioning question, you launched a your travel guide, right? I did, yeah.

It's like, I feel like it's kind of a soft launch, like people aren't like, Batting down the door for it, because I think it'll be a lot easier for me to share in context while I'm actually traveling.

Mm-hmm. You know, people ask me all the time, like, when we're traveling and I'm finding spots, I get asked constantly, how do you find 'em? Et cetera, et cetera. Mm-hmm. So that's why I put this together. And then I think people will be more apt to purchase like right before a trip, you know? Yeah. When it's a little bit more timely.

And so, and you know, I had this big, I was planning to launch it this week as a, you know, mother's Day. Gifting [00:04:00] option cause it's virtual, it's just an ebook. And then also because we were leaving for California, we were supposed to be on Tuesday the 16th, and we were gonna hit all the favorite like sourdough bakeries and coffee shops and whatnot.

That trip got postponed, which I can definitely dive into. So looking forward to whenever the next trip is. I mean, this weekend for Mother's Day, we're heading into Port Townsend, we're gonna hit the bakeries and like all the things. And so it'll be fun as I'm sharing there to be like, Hey, if you want, cuz basically here's, here's what it is, right?

It's a guide. It starts with my, like my sourdough recipe. Just so people can, because people, I found like to have that in one place, kind of in that, in the capacity. Mm-hmm. And then I dive into, cause I get questions all the time too about like if I'm gonna travel or if I can't bake for a week or two, what do I do?

So like the specific steps on how to like store your starter to keep it happy and alive while you're gone. And then, Like what some tips to do beforehand, to do some searching and, and like dialing things in and planning before you go somewhere to seek out these spots that have, you know, high quality sourdough, which in turn means they [00:05:00] also have.

They're gonna have high quality food in general. Mm-hmm. So like what to search for ahead of time to kinda like start your list and start your, your discovering. And then once you're there and you like walk into a bakery that you found, what do you ask? Like what kinds of questions do you ask? And kind of, I also did have like a whole page that I wrote that's just like, here's the thing cuz people get hung up.

I know Rusty does miso lesso on like offending someone or like being a nuisance by asking questions. And you've seen me at work. Mm-hmm. I. I'm all about all the questions. Mm-hmm. It's just a matter of like how you approach that

conversation. Oh, totally. It's never like, Yeah. It's never like, oh, I've got my nose up in the air and I Right.

Like it's always like from a place of real interest and like just hearing curiosity, hearing Yeah. Curiosity. Curiosity and hearing their story. Because that opens up like more like that you get them to talk about their, their work. And what they do and the restaurant and the people that they source their stuff from, if they know about it, like most of the time they're excited to talk about it.

So yeah, totally.

So just yeah, tips on like asking those questions and having [00:06:00] those conversations from a place of curiosity and excitement. And then so like what? And then specifically like what questions do I ask? And then I have this like, Kick ass list of all these incredible spots across the country that a lot of places we visited, and then some, I got that one from San Antonio that you shared, and then like a whole page to add your own and then what to do when you get home and you wanna wake your starter back up.

So it's just a fun little guide. It's like pretty, it's affordable, it's, you know, just something simple just to have, so I can direct people when I get those questions. So that's fun. And then I'm, I just launched another sourdough workshop too, so. On June 10th, I'm on the other one. Mm-hmm. At the, so if you guys follow me on social, I share pretty often.

Like I, I go work out at our gym and then I walk next door through a door, don't even have to go outside. And we have a coffee shop attached to our gym, same owners. And so I go work there and that space is just beautiful. There's this mezzanine upstairs, overlooks the water. And so I'm gonna host a workshop there on June 10th, which I'm super excited about.

That's amazing. I still, yeah, I still think, I was telling Tim the other day because [00:07:00] he is launching a course, I did my Enneagram course and I was like, just talking to him about you. And I was like, I really think not to like, I mean just to throw this out there and I don't, I, I've seen other sourdough, like online courses, like Tim actually bought one way back when Covid started from this guy that he follow on YouTube and I was like, I feel like Lauren needs.

An like a virtual sound. Like you just need to like record yourself doing the things. Yeah. And talking about it. Put it on teachable or whatever platform that you have. And then like, I, cuz I feel like sometimes the thing that scares me about sourdough is like, I wanna see what it looks like. Like I, and I know sometimes there's pictures and like, but I, it doesn't translate to me like the needing process and the folding process.

Like I don't, my mind doesn't work that way. Like in. Like snapshots of pictures. Like I wanna see it being done in real life and what it's supposed to look like. And then troubleshooting, right? Like, like, yeah, okay, my dough is flat. What does that mean? [00:08:00] Like, what does flat mean? Like, does it mean like, you know, like there are different variations on that.

Or like my dough is over proofed. Like I still don't even really know what that means.

Yeah. And you're like the seventh person who's recommended this. The idea of creating an online course, I know it's not that hard. It's really, yeah. But it's overwhelming to me. So if someone's listening to you and you have a skillset in creating online courses and you wanna partner up, I am good at getting on camera and talking and teaching and educating and hopefully keeping it fun and light.

Like that's kind of what I do. That's I, I mean, I know that I'm good at that. I've taught high school, I've taught CrossFit seminars. I've taught, I'm standing up in front of people or in front of the camera here for it. Mm-hmm. The nuances and logistics around like the tech stuff. Have you heard of foia?

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Oh my gosh, Fred. It is. So I, I don't wanna say it's so easy and like downplay it, but like just, I mean, the very basic part of it I think is like, I just used my computer screen and I got on Loom and that was a screen sharing thing.

Mm-hmm. So that was a little bit different, but like you can [00:11:00] literally use. Any sort of like, you could use your phone and like record yourself. That way you could use your computer. I mean you can use a camera but you don't, I don't think you have to at all. And like the Teachable, do you use Teachable for your other courses or in the past?

Yeah, and I just dropped to like the free version and they, they basically sent an email out like, Hey, we're making some changes. Like you, we, you get nothing if you don't pay. So I've had people like, I'm trying to sign up here flows and I can't, it's cuz I've been capped, so I'm gonna wait if I get another, another.

Offering. Mm-hmm. I will, I'll start paying again. So I'm, I'm here for it. I, I, I love the idea. I just, I feel like I need a full day, which I should probably do before Rusty starts fire, which is looking more optimistic and just like, sit down and just have like, dedicated time to, and I just, I wanna borrow someone's kitchen too.

Yeah. Maybe my friend Christine, because my kitchen is just not really. Super set up for something like that.

Okay. Whose kitchen is all in the photos that you That's my friend Christine. Okay. That's gorgeous. It's gorgeous and I feel like, honestly, [00:12:00] if you can find someone with a DSLR camera mm-hmm. Set it up on a tripod.

And just like do the thing. Do the thing. I mean, even I bet your friend who's a photographer probably has a camera that's capable of doing that and it's, once you get everything set up, it's like literally like start the recording. Just plug and play. Yeah.

And she's wanting to get into more film stuff,

so Yeah.

So there you go.

I'm, I'm ing, I'm literally writing on this.

I feel like, I feel like it sounds overwhelming, but I feel like you've done this a million times. You know what to do. Like, you know how to teach sourdough is, now's just a matter of like someone stepping in to film you while you're talking about it.

So, yeah. Okay. Gotta do it. I got, I gotta do it. My friend Emily said same thing.

I feel like there's a need. It's time.

Yeah. On, on this notepad that I'm writing my, adding that to my to-do list. I just, I went on mute for a moment and smashed a fly on the, on our window right here. And I just wanna take a moment to honor the fly's life.

I see you. And then also like my. How quickly I, what's the word? Don't have words right now, but I do have speed [00:13:00] coordination, uh, agility. The nine foundational skill or tendon. Defend foundational skills. Cross it anyways. Yes. Do we

have honor flies lives?

No. I hate them so

much. Okay. Flies and mosquitoes. I feel like I No ticks.

Yeah. Nope. But now I've just gotta look at its smushed body on this window. The rest of this recording. So nice. It's great. Yeah. Anyways, we kind of just dove in, but I do wanna make sure we pause and honor, speaking of honoring, let's honor some lives that really, really deserve some honor. Those are

two of our new Patreon members.

Oh, I forgot about that. Do you have 'em in front of you?

I do. Okay. Yay. So we have Jennifer. Zk Ette. Ette, which is such a cool last name. That's a really fun last name. It's very fun to say. She's a very special mama. And then she is Elizabeth Crookshank. She is Back. Yay. And as an All Access mama. So very excited and grateful for our community there.

It's growing every week. I love that. Almost every single week [00:14:00] we get on here to record and we get to say new friends. And there's more to come this summer, you know, summer's for both of us. Kind of like a time to. Slow down a little bit. Mm-hmm. We have way more

required of us from our pace. Familial. Yeah.

Yes.

Mm-hmm. And then in the fall, we're coming together. We're gonna have, we're gonna plan on Meetup and work more on this resource we've been talking about. And then we are also going to plan on Meetup for Patreon ex. It's gonna be a Paton exclusive, so, Just dropping that here. If you're curious about what we offer there, you can always find more on our website, but it's basically just like more communication with us.

Bonus episodes where we share like real raw stuff that Oh yeah. Doesn't even end up here. Last week

was pretty, I. If I remember correctly, it was pretty intense.

Yeah, very intense. Very intense. And it's amazing how much my gears have shifted since then, but mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Check us out. Even if you just Google modern mama's, Paton should be the first thing that pops up, so yeah,

we love it.

We love I we love it. It's a fantastic community. I'm so excited. Ashley, our assistant is, uh, probably a, Just, she's getting close to [00:15:00] getting close to twins and she is like working down to the wire on this incredible resource that we're hoping to put out before she goes on a maternity leave. But yeah, I mean, yeah, like there's lots of stuff in the works over there and it's, it's gonna be, continue to be a like, A focus of ours.

Words are so hard. Oh my God. I was like, what am I trying to say? Spit it out, Jessica. It's gonna be a continued focus of ours. Of ours for like the next, the years to come. So get on over there. Yeah.

Get on Oma. Oh man. This, I think we were planning on maybe doing a topical today, but it's turning just to catch up.

That's kinda what I'm here for. Yeah, I'm here for it. That's great. Cause we do wanna talk about manifesting. Yeah. And I feel like, we'll, we'll push that to next episode, so stay tuned because we're just in it. And I fe I truly feel and believe in man. And speaking of manifesting, I am manifesting that. Come next recording.

I will be in a head space where there's not just like so much processing to do. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [00:16:00] Because I feel like we're finally taking breaths, you know, and, and kind of I'll be able to dive a little bit more deep into a specific topic, but right now my brain, as you might be able to tell, it's kind of all, all over the place.

Yeah.

Same. I feel you, friend. Well, why don't you catch us up then on. I can't, honestly, I can't even remember what we talked about in our Paton episode last week, but I know it was like, it was intense. It was intense and yeah. Rusty

had ended up back in the hospital. Yes. Okay. It was just very intense and I think we recorded like that.

We had to shift gears a little bit. Yeah. So I feel like we recorded like that next morning. Mm-hmm. Or something along those lines. So yeah, we are, we're. We're doing well now. It's like, it's wild to think that that was just last week because it feels like so much has improved since then. Mm-hmm. Like Headspace wise, um, physically the sun is out.

It, it feels like summer right now, which this is rare to like early May to have a. 70 plus degree times. Mother's Day is supposed to be like 80 degrees and it just, I can't even tell you how it's like the greatest gift I could get on Mother's Day, aside from like having a baby. [00:17:00] So, yeah. So things here are good.

So Rusty ended up in the, in the emergency room again last Monday. It was like his first day back. I think it was a combination of things. First day back to coaching, just one class. But still, that's more than he'd done in a long time. I think he'd gone for a walk. I made a bunch of Brussels sprouts and he ate a lot of those, which is like, and I had gotten him on two new supplements, including a new probiotic all on the same day.

And you know, increased activity, increased inflammation, slowed down, digestion. Anyways, all that to preface that. I had gone to bed and he came and he came in like two hours later, like 10 o'clock, and tapped me on the shoulder. I could just see even in the dark, I could see his face. I was like, oh, shit. So I came out, I thought someone died, to be honest.

Mm-hmm. And he was just like pacing back and forth and like physically shaking. And I was like, what is going on? And he's like, I think I need to go to the, to the R. Like I'm. In so much pain. Like his whole middle was just, and you know, it's not like my husband, as many of you know, I mean, he walked around for five days with the ruptured appendix.

Yeah. It's not his pain tolerance. I think it's, he's, [00:18:00] it's gonna take time for him to trust his body again. Mm. Mm-hmm. And so, fortunately, I mean, once again, a testament to the community that we have here. I was able to, cuz the girls were asleep when he had his surgery, there was no way I wasn't gonna be. In recovery when he came out for when he woke up.

Right. That was very scary. I needed to see him. He needed to see me. So we had someone come to the house and be with the girls while I went. But Indy woke up. While I was gone and like lost her mind. Mm-hmm. And it was very hard for her. So Rusty's like, I want you to stay here with them. Cuz she's also, she was cutting like all four kines at once.

She was waking up frequently. Mm-hmm. So fortunately I was able to just text some our friends from the gym, they came and picked him up at 10 o'clock, brought him to the er, dropped him off, and. You know, then it was just a waiting game. It's like running CT scans and blood work and everything came back okay.

And so thank God. I mean, it was so scary. I was so triggered and like so brought back to that day, you know, I was terrifying. I'm like, oh my God, here we go again. Scary as fuck This. Excuse my French. So like, you [00:19:00] know, I'm awake this whole time. It doesn't end up getting home till two 30. His mom was in town.

She had slept through his initial calls, but she woke up in time to go pick him up and bring him home. And you know, it was just, he was really achy and really sore for days. And so basically what we think happened was the inflammation slowed down, digestion on top of Brussels sprouts on top of a new probiotic.

He was just, it was a lot of gas and bloat that imagine having like a bunch of tiny sutures in your intestines. Cuz I mean, if you are just catching up, he. They took some of his, obviously they took his appendix and then also some of his colon and intestines because of all the inflammation and, and damage done.

So all these sutures in there and then you imagine like bloat pressing on that. I mean, just excruciating. So, but then since then, this week that's passed, he is like a different person he's been coaching consistently, which I'm also coaching. Again, that's something else I can share, which is really fun. He says coaching consistently.

We're going on walks. He is just, you know, he's not, he'll be at the six weeks PO post op on. The [00:20:00] 16th, which is right now it's a Thursday, so this coming Tuesday, and that's when he can start to, you know, move more, do a little bit more like actual fitnessing. He's been going into the gym and like doing some deadlifts with the PV C pipe and like air squatting to a box and just starting to move through range of motion and that's feeling good.

So it's just, it's so cool to see, you know, he's able to be home for long stretches with the girls. He's still like, he can pick Indy up to move her. He just can't like walk around the house and hold her for extended periods of time or anytime at all. But we, I'm just seeing like this past week has been huge.

And then on top of that, you know, we've had just an influx of people visiting to help, which is then so needed. But I think we had all kind of like hit our. Our max, like we just, we just desperately wanted just family time. Again, I could see it in Evie especially. She was missing me and I was missing her, and she was having some like emotional outbursts, not like, You know, angry or whatever.

Just like big feels, really big feels, and like outside of [00:21:00] that, a little bit more subdued than we're used to her being. And like, we're just seeing these like minor shifts in her whole energy and mood that, you know, we, we know our, our girl better than anyone. And even her teachers reached out and we're like, Hey, she's just, and she's been having stomach aches, so of course like, I taught a sourdough workshop last weekend and I'm like talking to my friend Brittany while we're there and I just start crying because like, I can't help but feel guilt, right?

And it's a part of the process. I don't, I've had to show up in ways and like do exist in a way that's not sustainable for a month plus just to like get. Us through, you know, through all of this. And I have not had as much space for her. And she's been with at friends' houses, she's been cared for and seen and loved and, and I've been trying to like, set up fun for her.

But what she's really needing now is me and space with me to process and heal and work through what's gone on and just time with me. So anyways, it's like, I feel like guilt is one of those emotions [00:22:00] where it can be entirely unproductive if you sit in it, but if. I'm trying to utilize this feeling I'm having of guilt of not having had space for her, spent the amount of time that I want with her and use it productively to then make changes, you know, and then move through it.

Like don't sit in it. So anyways, so on Saturday morning I woke up, she woke up, we were the only ones awake, we're snuggling. I'm reading our book and I was like, Hey, do you wanna come with me today? Because I had an hour and a half drive to the workshop and an hour and a half drive home. And she immediately was like, yes.

And I mean, this is baring, like this is Grammy's in town. She had this like whole day she was gonna spend and, but she just, she and Grammy had been in town for a while and she was like, I just, she wanted to be with me. And in that moment I was like, oh, okay. I need to. Slow the hell down. I need to be with her and just be with her.

She doesn't care if we were sitting in the car for an hour and a half. We just need more time together. And so anyway, she came along. We stopped on the way and got cookies and sat at this little table and at our, one of our favorite spots and enjoyed cookies. And we got there. And fortunately, one of the [00:23:00] gals that was attending had her daughter and they like played on the trampoline and just played for two hours.

And on the way home we stopped at this really fun park called Kit Kitsap Memorial. And there's a playground and you can walk down to the water and there's all these incredible like muscle and clamshells. So we collected shells and then we stopped at our favorite restaurant for an early dinner on the way home, just US two.

And it was just the most lovely day. And then we had a wonderful family Sunday as we do. And it was our first time, just us and a while, just us family Sunday. And we, I shared on Instagram this video of me mowing the lawn. And I am not, you know, I'm not ashamed to say that. This past weekend was my first time ever mowing along.

And I'll, uh, the caveat there are the reasons for that are that my dad's a landscape architect. He has in my entire life, and he has these crews of guys who do yard work, you know, and because it's his company, I. He would, you know, obviously pay them for their time, but he didn't have, it was, they would just come and take care of our yard by entire childhood.

So it was never a thing. It's not something that even [00:24:00] occurred to me. And then in college, and I never had a house or a place that I had to mow and rusty, our entire time living here has been the lawnmower, you know? Mm-hmm. And so he can't do that right now. He can't push it. He should have seen the jungle in our backyard.

I mean, it was really intense. So I spent like two plus hours on Sunday just. Getting pissed and frustrated. The mower would get bogged down because of all the grass. I'd have to like pull it back, restart it over and over and over again. But I did it and it felt so good. So we just spent Sunday like getting our our yard back to happy and starting to prep our garden, which this weekend we're gonna get it all, like all of our composts.

We've been brewing for two years. We're gonna get it all in that soil and and transplant our strawberries and start our garden. Just like, you know, I made sourdough pizza, just had a day. And then Monday Evie went to school and I got a text from her teacher just saying, Hey, just wanna let you know, like she's hasn't quite been herself, she's been complaining of tummy eggs, which we knew.

And at first I was like, okay, what's going on with her [00:25:00] diet, you know, for this past month. It's really the past couple weeks. And then I realized like her stress and anxiety is manifesting physically in belly aches, you know? And, and I wonder too if it's manifesting in that way because. Daddy had his injury, his surgery, all of that was like in his stomach, you know?

And so after school on Monday, I asked Rusty if, and he could stay with him. I took Evie to Jiujitsu and we went and got a tree at the market. And then we went to the playground and I just like everything away, just unabashedly just like played with her. We pretended the playground was this giant dragon and the, the slide was a tongue.

We were like running up and down and the slide, and I went on the zip line and it was just, it was belly laughing, pushing on the swing. Just me and her. Mm-hmm. She hasn't had a stomach ache since, which makes my heart hurt and also feel good, you know, so grateful that, you know, and so just like really prioritizing more time, just us and, and also with India around too, of course, but like just fully, fully, fully present and [00:26:00] letting my nervous system finally start to just like down-regulate too.

And it's amazing how playing with her and in this weather and just being outside, feet on the grass, you know. Last Tuesday, we just, like I at the, in the afternoon, it was beautiful. I just like stopped everything and we went to the lake. Just trying to do more of that and be wholly present and you know, and just, just play and like let the mental to-do lists go.

It doesn't have to let it go forever. It's not possible. There's still things that have to get done and work and you know, but at the same time, we're just in a better place where like not, my mental load list isn't quite as long. It's not feeling as heavy. Rusty's feeling significantly more optimistic about his ability to actually do wild and fire this summer, which we definitely had a, a couple weeks we're like, how, you know?

So, you know, he, he'll have a full week plus two days to train for the pack test after, once he hits that six week like post-op mark, which is when he's able [00:27:00] to do more. So anyways, I just feel like my, simultaneously, my mental load is lifting a little bit and I'm leaning more into just like, Time with the girls and more present time.

And then at the same time the sun is out looking into the forecast. We have like a week plus of just like gorgeous weather, which makes everything easier. I, I'll say it till I'm blue in the face, like parenting outside is easier. So yeah, things are shifting. Feeling way less financial pressure on my shoulders.

You know, I've been talking about manifesting. I've been trying and trying and trying and not trying, but like, Just consistently thinking about and feeling the pressure of getting hired on full-time by CrossFit. And I've like, I've just taken some deep breaths and like I am doing a good job. I am working hard.

I just had a bunch of my pregnancy and postpartum training content, like Go Live for CrossFit affiliates. We just bundled and so CAP is now free for all affiliate owners. And seeing the, the work that I'm doing pay off. But that's all I can do. I can't control whether the CEO is like, yeah, let's bring her on full-time.

You know, that's out of my control. So knowing that Rusty is [00:28:00] feeling optimistic about fighting fires, and then he also got his first post-op seminar, so on May the, May 20th weekend, he's working a local, sort of local in Tacoma seminar. And so that's another just like, okay, like there's income streams coming that way.

So yeah, lots and lots of deep breaths over here. Lots of more just time with my, with my girl. You know? It's like mm-hmm. You know, I, I was not, I, no, we're never perfect. I did what I could over the course of the month. I feel like I goosebumps on my body right now. Cause it's just like, it's vulnerable to share.

Mm-hmm. It's hard. Mm-hmm. It was, it, it was so hard moving through that. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. And, and, I was there, she was fed, she was loved. I like, I, I would still, as much as possible, I would still try and like do our nightly rituals and, but it, some of it had to just, We just had to cut some, there were days I look back, it's like we had to get through the day.

Mm-hmm. And so we are, we're all healing and we're all processing for sure. And just [00:29:00] like fewer play dates, fewer people coming to help with them. And I'm just trying to take on more. I want to take on more of just like being with them. Cause that's all she's known, that's all we've known as a family. We, we, everyone has different dynamics.

Right. But like, Our dynamic has always been prioritizing and primarily spending time together as a family and other, we've tried other things, it just doesn't really work for us. Mm-hmm. And so for a month, you know, that was kind of turned on its head and she spent way more time with friends and with like sitters and stuff than we are used to.

And so I think just we're kind of re, you know, regrounding in that family, consistent family time. And that's been. Huge for all of us, really. So, yeah, I feel like those are the, the main things. And I ended up canceling the trip to California. So we had planned this trip when Rusty was supposed to be at Fire Academy for two weeks.

And he's not going, at least not right now. And so if he, when he does start fire on June 16th, like [00:30:00] that's gonna really shift gears for us again, you know, and he'll be gone. Five days a week, nine to five, plus getting deployed on fires. Ideally a couple where he could be gone for three weeks at a time. And so I'm like, I, we only have a month together before all that chaos starts.

Like I don't, I don't wanna leave him. Mm-hmm. And everything in my body too, coming out of this like traumatic, scary situation for his health, I don't, I just don't wanna be away from him. So. We, I got a credit for that flight and we're gonna, I'll just keep it in my back pocket. So, you know, over the summer when he's deployed for a longer stretch, I'll book flights and go down and just have my family's help.

So that is a plan for right now. That's where we're at. It's a lot, but it's also, it's good. I feel like I'm, I just keep saying deep breaths cuz I, I finally feel like, honestly, like when I'm laying on the floor and flowing in the morning, I feel like there was a month where I, I couldn't like, Felt like I couldn't take a full, full, full deep, like diaphragmatic breath.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so like there's that physical [00:31:00] example or proof that like we are, things are settling and I can, like, I, I can feel the breath like fully, you know, expanding through my whole middle in ways that I don't think it was, I feel like my, my va vagus nerve is like finally, you know, all of that's I'm, there's just a down regulation that had to happen and it's happening and it feels good.

I've got another therapy appointment set up for next week. And we're actually considering getting Evie in, you know, it's like we hold space, we can hold space, silver, blue in the face, but sometimes it could be good for her to talk to like somebody else besides us, you know, so, mm-hmm. I asked her four school teachers are so incredible and so supportive, and so we're gonna see if perhaps we can, she gave me a list of like, of therapists locally who see kiddos.

So now that all the mask stuff is done, just get her in and let her just kind of talk face to face with somebody. It, it, I mean, you know, we talk about therapy all the time. Mm-hmm. It can hurt. Mm-hmm. That's all I know. Mm-hmm. So, totally.

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That's B R E A N a sells bend.kw.com. Brought to you by Brianna White Broker with Keller Williams Realty, central Oregon Equal Housing Opportunity. Now let's dive back into our episode. Ugh. That's a lot, friend. I mean, it's a lot. I wish I could hug you. I really, I know wish. It's like times like these, and we've talked about this before.

I [00:34:00] just wish we were together. You know, it's like mm-hmm. You know, it's like even I, I know like mean, being there wouldn't necessarily like make everything easier, but like it's, and I know you have your friends and. That are local, but it's like, I don't know, it just like really makes it clear that we're not meant to like do all this alone.

When your, your friends are going through stuff that feels so hard and all you wanna do is like, be there, you know, and you can't necessarily in like a physical way that way, but it just makes it really clear that like, I just, I don't like, This big far. Yeah, I, yeah.

Yeah. It's hard. It's like I, you know, Kelsey, one of my best friends in the whole world flew out from the east coast and we had this mo mom, like mama trip planned and ended up bringing India along cuz it just, in that this season it was not the time to leave her for the first time, that's for sure.

And I desperately needed that time with her, you know? Mm-hmm. And it was amazing how I was able to like process through. [00:35:00] Some big decisions we were making or big, you know, challenges we were facing around like finances and work and mm-hmm. What falls on me and is Russ gonna be able to do fire and should we push him to do fire?

Maybe, you know, in that season, in that, over the course of that week we, there was so much uncertainty. Mm-hmm. And it's amazing how just like sitting face to face with somebody that you, like, sees you in a way that nobody else can, or that few people can, and how powerful it is in person is huge. But all that said, like forever grateful for this space and for you and being able to come on here and just, Like talk to you about all the things is, has been so huge in this season for me.

And that's another reason I'm like, we need to get Evie someone to just sit and just talk to unabashedly for however long. So, yeah. Yeah. But I couldn't agree more. It's like we're, we're meant to do this body to body, face-to-face, hand in hand with people. It's like, it's, it's just how we're supposed to exist, especially through

motherhood.

Mm-hmm. Well, I also wanna just take a moment to say like, I know. I mean, I get all the worries and the fears and the [00:36:00] like, guilt and all of that. And we've talked before about like how we've, you know, we've said like guilt is unproductive. It's like a pointless emotion or I've said this and at the same time it's like I have changed my tune over time to echo kind of what you ha alluded to.

It's like, yes, guilt is like, doesn't really serve. You when you're sitting in it and you're just like, oh my gosh, I'm like the worst. I feel guilty. But I do think all of our emotions, you know, for, for better or for worse are just if we are aware, they are indicators of what needs to change, either for be for better or for worse, what needs to be steps taken forward or things taken away, you know?

And it's like if we can pause and reflect all and. All of the emotions. Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, happiness. You know, joy, if we could take the time to pause and reflect when we're feeling that those emotions, even for just a moment, like I think it's just information, [00:37:00] right? Like you were feeling guilty and the pause and reflect moment was like, okay, why?

And then. You know, Evie was able to, you know, you were getting feedback from Evie and it was just, I, I don't know if it's all making sense, but it's just, you know, you were able to understand what was happening and what perhaps needed to shift and, and then to take that step. And it's like, you know, you could have sat in the guilt and just been like, I just, I, you know, Quote unquote, like wallow in it.

You could have very well have done that and no one would've blamed you, but you didn't. And I'm really proud of you and I'm really proud of like the community that you've cultivated that has their eyes on EVs, when, when you might. I mean, of course you always have your eyes on her and you're connected to her, but you know what, like you, when you're maybe don't have the full capacity to be 100% in tune with your kids.

I am. I'm also so grateful for those people in our lives that we have allowed to like see our kids who can also give us feedback when, you know, maybe [00:38:00] we can't see it. And so I all that to say it's just like, I think it's really beautiful and special and Avie is really lucky to have you and Rusty as her parents.

So sending a big love friend. Thank you. I mean, it's true. I think our kids, and I'll say it for, you know, us as well, like there's so many times in parenting where we can just beat ourself up for. You know, doing the quote unquote wrong thing. But at the end of the day, like I have full confidence that if Evie remembers this time and in life, she's still gonna be able to look back and be like, my mom did the best she could.

My, my dad did the best he could. They loved me the best they could and like, It's going to not be, it's gonna still be a positive experience for her. You know, cuz it's like we're showing our kids that we're humans. Like we have emotions and we struggle too, and things are hard and that's okay. And we do our best and we ask forgiveness and we move forward.

Like that's it. Like that is [00:39:00] truly, the more I'm in parenting, the more I realize like, that's the crux of it. That's it. That's the crux of it. Yep. You know? So

modeling yeah. Is huge. So, Yeah, spring is here. Summer's ahead. Fun is in the air. But as an engram seven, it's like I also have to sit in the hard and Yeah.

And work through it and just sit with her. And if her processing turns into just like giggling and talking about like magical creatures sometimes that's how mm-hmm. Reminding stuff, like, she's not gonna sit there and be like, mom, like these are the very specific feelings that I'm having. Mm-hmm. And here's why.

And you know, it's gonna be like, Let's just, let's just play. Mm-hmm. You know, let's just play. Mm-hmm. And there's so much healing that can happen in

play. Proud of you also, because I know we've both, both expressed that play is not, is something that is challenging for us. I'm very proud of you. That you entered into that and I lean in.

Yeah, you leaned into it. And that's, that's amazing. So yes.

Well, thank you.

[00:40:00] Hello, my love's Jess here. Have you heard of a favorite things party before? Well, this is like that sort of, except that I'm a party of one and this favorite item is truly life changing. So maybe that makes it more than a favorite, like a must have instead.

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Woo. All right. What's going on in your world?

So I don't even really know where to start. I am nothing huge. Um, I had a chiropractic appointment yesterday and wa I, my friend who lives in the town, that clinic is in, my friend Holly, she's one of my best friends in the holy world. She was like, Hey, do you wanna go for a walk before your appointment?

And so went over there and we went for a walk and she's got a lot going on in her life. And so, You know, kind of held space for her. And then at the the end we like moved inside and she was asking me like how I was, and I just like all [00:42:00] this like emotions flooded out that I think that I have like been struggling with.

And you know, I was, I was crying and I'm like, what is happening? Like, where did this come from? Because, you know, I'll say going back to the Enneagram, but just, you know, going back to Jess as a person who I am is someone who really, really seeks to. I want peace and stability. And I think, you know, all of us do to a certain extent, want peace and stability.

But like for me, it's this, this, this thread in my life. I'm always, always trying to get back to it. And for the last, like probably, and we were talking some more and digging in, it's like, Since my, I hurt my back. I have just been in this like low level, I hesitate to say depression, but like just low level feelings of like, Oh, what's, I don't even know how to describe it.

It's just feeling low. And there, of course within that, like that happened in February, [00:43:00] so February, March, April, babe. I mean, it's only, it feels like it's been forever, but it's only been like, what, like three months. And since then I just have been struggling. I've been really struggling and it, I'm just now kind of admitting it.

And it also feels silly to be like I'm struggling because it's not like there's been this significant. Disruptive event in our lives. It's just more feelings, kind of like just anxiety, like anticipating what's to come, how are things gonna change with, in terms of like my back and my physical abilities, which I have been.

Oh my gosh. I, I think I was sharing about this on Patreon, cuz I feel like I've talked about it before, but so much improvement, but also like healing is not necessarily Lanier. And so there's been a lot of like ups and downs. Like for instance, yesterday, was it yesterday? No, it was Tuesday. Tuesday I had, I was like, okay, I'm gonna do part of like my photography, like business building.

I wanted to get some more like [00:44:00] personal shoots in. And so Tuesday I did a full, like, basically it was like a long day of photo shoots after I recorded a podcast. And it was fun. It was great. I loved it. At the end of the day, my back was like, like, no, this is not, this is not what we want. And so it really freaked me out cuz it set like I was having feelings of, like when I had my back episode, I was feeling some like shooting pain, I was feeling some instability.

And this was all after I'd had some really great progress the previous week with my back. And so just was feeling like really down like, am I even like, this is what I wanna do with my life. Like I want to be a food photographer and like, I can't even do a full day of it. Am I gonna be able to do this?

And I was like, just really like upset. And then, you know, just being, you know, a creative person and an artist. I was also feeling frustrated with like the work that I was doing. I was like, all this is shit. Like I, if anyone is an artist or [00:45:00] creative who like creates things or you know, puts stuff out into the world, they'll probably be familiar with like these feelings of like, I.

Everything I make is shit and like, what am I even doing? Those moments definitely happened to me. And so it was like this huge combination of like, this is not gonna work. Who do I even think I am to like make stuff because this is hideous. And just a lot of emotions. And you know, it's been an interesting couple of months as well because Tim is, you know, we're, we're both in the building stage of.

Doing something new and it's, it's awesome and it feels right and I, you know, most of the time, aside from like the other day when I was just like, this is shit and I'm a terrible per like artist, most of the time I feel fully aligned. I feel like this is where I'm what, where I'm supposed to be going. I.

Things are gonna be happening. Like I'm laying this really strong foundation. I'm doing all the, like, I'm literally just showing up every day and working on this photography business. [00:46:00] And I have like full confidence and like manifestation, like confidence that like this is gonna happen, but at the same time, You know, the reality of life is like, yes, I see that I will have a successful business.

I see that Tim will have a successful business, but right now we also have to pay the bills and send our kid to school and like purchase groceries, you know, do all these things. And so it's this like weird disconnect of like trust in the future and. Like fear. And so I think that's where I'm, I, I don't know if any of that makes sense, but like I've been living in a lot of fear and anxiety about the future.

A lot of self-doubt, a lot of all this like made I think just amplified by like my physical state of like un. Like unrest, I guess. And like we had, I had a scan, [00:47:00] so the chiropractic clinic that I go to, they're really a nervous system based approach, which is amazing, exactly what I need. And so when we first started, they did like a scan of my nervous system and we're able to kind of see like where things were off and what needed to be worked on in terms of heat, energy and just alignment.

And we did a follow up scan. At the beginning of this week, and definitely their improvements. But there are also some signs that like, I'm still in this like fight or flight mode essentially. And I feel that, like, I feel that I, I mean, leaving the chiropractic office, I feel like I'm able to reset and like, but I'm not able to hold that.

Do you know what I mean? Like I, I. I feel so good. I feel like, you know, after adjustments and like all the things that they do, like my breathing is deeper. Kind of like you had mentioned with your flows, like I feel like I'm getting a full breath. I feel like everything is downregulated, and then [00:48:00] it's like I still have not yet learned how to maintain that, and that's just part of the process.

You know, I'm only like a third of the way through my treatment plan and so I know that's gonna come, but it is just challenging. It's really, really challenging and. Yeah, seeing lots of improvements with that, but it's just kind of an up and down thing. I feel like I'm getting stronger and I've been doing just a lot of like basic core work and building off of that, and so that feels good.

But yeah, I'm just, I'm in, I'm in it. And I was telling Tim last night, like, I really can't wait for the kids to be home. And it's like I've been through several summers of like self-employment with kiddos home and it's not a, I ha, I don't think I've said I can't wait for summer to be here, probably ever, maybe last summer.

But I, you know, it's just one of those things like you were kind of saying like, I feel like we've been going and [00:49:00] going and we've had soccer and. Baking class and kid like hangouts and play dates and birthday parties. Oh my god, so many birthday parties. I like had a mini meltdown last weekend. I was like, I just wanna, I kind of like felt like, feel like Evie.

I was like, I just wanna be home. And I wanted to like cry. Like I did start crying. I was like, I don't wanna go to any of these things. And people doubt out. And these are things that I love. These are people that I love, birthday parties, and I'm celebrating dear loved ones, and I'm just like, I can't do it.

Can't do it. I just wanna be home. And so I think my body, my mind, my soul, our family unit is craving time together. Just alone time, and so that's why I'm looking forward to summer. I'm looking forward to not driving the kids all over God's creation back and forth and back and forth. I'm looking forward to slow mornings.

I'm looking forward to just. I dunno, a slower pace for a bit. So that's kind of what's been going on. I'm trying to think if there's [00:50:00] anything huge in the near future. We've got, Cammy and I are supposed to go to for Girl Scouts, they plan a camping trip at the end of the Girl Scout season and we're supposed to go over Mother's Day weekend this weekend to camp.

But I'm not sure if we're actually gonna do it because here in Texas, rain is on the forecast for the next like, Week and actually like severe weather is supposed to happen starting like Friday, Saturday. There's some sort of like storm thing meeting, another thing, and it's like making for these like conditions of severe weather Saturday, there's supposed to be like flash flooding mornings.

And so I don't know if we'll actually go camping. Bear was also supposed to have a tournament, a soccer tournament this weekend, and I, I am like fairly confident they're gonna cancel it just with the forecast and so, I don't really know what our Mother's Day weekend's gonna look like, but we're gonna.

Have a family get together on Sunday to celebrate my mother-in-law. And then hopefully I, like Tim's been asking me like, what do you [00:51:00] wanna do? And I'm like, I just, I don't wanna do anything. I just want a day. And fortunately, we have mostly been able to protect our Sundays, which we've shared on here before.

Like we do kind of an offline Sunday where we're off social media, we're off screens, we're having a lot of family time. And those have been. So, so precious to me and like if I didn't have those, I think I would be in a far more agitated, like just drained state. But like for instance, last Sunday, Tim and I played Settlers of Katan, which is our new obsession for like.

Hours and the kids were like playing outside and Bayer kind of played one round with us cuz he's interested the best is so good. Did, did you know there's a junior version? No. I mean actually I think I did know that, but we, we love it. Okay. So it's like, cuz it's kind of complicated.

Yeah. And one is like, so it's so helpful for then I know it'll be so easy to transition her to the bigger, the adult version and it's like it takes away some of the things that could create.

[00:52:00] Like emotion or frustration. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Highly recommend. It's lovely. Okay. I'm

gonna, we're gonna pick it up because like we, Tim and I have been loving it and it's like, it's complicated. Like, there's nothing else you can do except be in the game. Like you can't multitask because if you're not paying attention, I.

Like you just, you're not playing the game like you're gonna miss things and it's so fun and very, we're very competitive, but in a good way. It's all good natured, so I, we'll definitely get one for the kids because beer is like very interested. I think Cammy would be too. So yeah, it's, we've been doing a lot of that and I lost my train of thought, but I am just, Yeah, we're, we're here.

I'm, I'm in something. I think I'm in, if you know anything about human design and just in general, like life in general, but like as a generator, they're, they talk about, there's these moments where you're about to, like uplevel, you're about to master something. You're about to enter into something new, [00:53:00] but it's like a plateau.

There's like, usually there's frustration that is experienced and I feel like I'm there. And it's just part of the process. And I, I do 100% wholeheartedly believe that we're gonna come out of this and there's gonna be like just a new, like a, a positive, a new, like very peaceful, like exciting place that we're all gonna be in.

But like right now, we're just in it. So if you're, if you're feeling the same, I see you. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's not always like, Hell yeahs and like parties and high energy and. You know, that's, that's where we're at. So I don't have anything else. I don't think, I'm sure I'm missing a ton stuff, but that's,

the lows make the, the highs higher.

Yeah. You have to like go through the ebbs and flows for sure.

I know, but I just hate it. I know that's a strong word. I just, I need to learn to embrace that process. But it is definitely something that is [00:54:00] not. In my nature, like I want everything to be like even all the time. And like unfortunately that's just not life.

Like sometimes people get burst appendix and sometimes, you know. Mm-hmm. Like things happen that are out of your control, and that is life I got, I got, I'm learning a lesson. I know always

a lesson,

always a freaking lesson. Sometimes

you just wanna break from the lessons.

Oh my God. Oh,

that was lovely. Yeah, I can

hear everyone waking up over there, so, okay.

Perfect timing. Well, Big hugs, friend. Thank y'all for tuning in. And yeah, if you, I don't know, just I feel like I haven't heard from our community in a while, and if you've got things you wanna chat about or anything resonated with you in this episode, reach out. We we're here. Yes,

please. We're here and we love you

guys, and we're so grateful.

Yes. All right. We'll see you next week. All right. Talk soon. Bye.

Come [00:55:00] on. I dunno what to say. Thanks for

listening to our podcast.

See you next time. Thanks for listening to our podcast. See you next time. Bye.